A joke or two - 2016

Discussion in 'The Muppet Show' started by Fat Controller, Jan 2, 2016.

  1. music

    music Memories Are Made Of This.

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    Can This Bird Read ?. :scratch:.

    I Spotted This Yesterday Morning when Out Cycling.

    A large Seagull sitting down having a rest, in the middle of Private Lawns on an estate .
    The Gull was sitting directly, almost leaning under a large painted white sign,not a care in the world,enjoying the Sun, the only thing missing was his Hamlet Cigar;).

    The Sign Stated In Large Print--------.

    Private Lawns, No Dogs Or Cats Permitted On The Lawns !!!. :rasp:


    A Streetwise Gull. :whistle:.
     
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    • music

      music Memories Are Made Of This.

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      Three Friends ,an American, Australian and an Englishman go to a beer festival.
      When they get to the Bar, the American orders a Budweiser,the Australian a Fosters and the Englishman a Coke.
      The Australian looks at the Englishman and remarks,
      "Hey Mate,This is a Beer Festival,why are you ordering a Coke?".
      The Englishman replies,

      "Well if you two aren't drinking Beer, then neither am I".:ccheers:.
       
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      • music

        music Memories Are Made Of This.

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        Mr Corbyn was visiting a London Primary school, and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
        The teacher asked Mr Corbyn if he would like to lead the discussion on the word,'Tragedy'.

        A little boy stood up and offered,"If my best friend ,who lives on a farm,is playing in a field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,that would be a 'Tragedy'".
        "Incorrect", said Corbyn, "that would be an Accident".

        A little girl raised her hand,"If a school bus carrying some children drove over a cliff, with loss of life, That would be a 'Tragedy' ".

        "I'm afraid not" explained Corbyn," that's what we would refer to as a Great Loss".

        The room went silent, no other children volunteered.

        Corbyn searched the room, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a 'Tragedy' ?'".

        Finally, at the back of the room,little Johnny raised his and said.
        "If a Plane carrying you and Mr Balls and other party members was struck by a 'Friendly Fire' missile and blown up, that would be a 'Tragedy'.
        "Fantastic" exclaimed Corbyn, and can you tell me why that would be a 'Tragedy' ?".

        "Well" said Johnny", it has to be a 'Tragedy',because it certainly wouldn't be a Great loss,and it probably wouldn't be a Bloooody Accident Either". :sofa:.
         
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        • David E Peacock

          David E Peacock Gardener

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          A Yorkshire chap was taking his new bride for a drive in the country . . .
          As they were passing Scarborough he put his hand on her thigh . . . .

          She said "now we are married you can go a bit further if you want!"

          So he took her on to Whitby . .
           
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          • kindredspirit

            kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

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            • music

              music Memories Are Made Of This.

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              A Young couple came into the church office to fill out a Pre-Marriage Questionnaire form.
              The young man,who had never talked to a Pastor before,was quite nervous and the Pastor tried to put him at ease. :pathd:

              When they came to the question,"Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?",
              there was a long pause, finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said,

              "Put Down Yes".:frown:.
               
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              • music

                music Memories Are Made Of This.

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                Every day Francesca went to the cemetery in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Enzo.
                When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave.
                One day her friend,Bianca asked,
                "Francesca, why do you always leave the Cemetery walking backwards?"

                Francesca answered,"When Enzo was alive he always told me,


                "You've got such a great As*, it could bring a dead man back to life!",



                "I'm Not Taking Any Chances!".:nonofinger:.
                 
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                • kindredspirit

                  kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

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                  Paddy: "I've never been lucky in Love, I've been married twice and both of my Wives died!"

                  Murphy: "What happened?"

                  Paddy: "My first wife died from eating poisoned mushrooms"

                  Murphy: "...that's terrible, and the second?"

                  Paddy: "The second died from a fractured Skull"

                  Murphy: "How did she get that?"

                  Paddy: "She wouldn't eat her Mushrooms!"
                   
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                  • music

                    music Memories Are Made Of This.

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                    Isaac lay on his deathbed, and his loving wife Rachel was as ever at his side.
                    Jacob said softly,"Rachel, remember when we got married at the Synagogue in Kiel,and those Brownshirts mobbed us and swore at us?, and you was beside me all the way Rachel".

                    "Yes Isaac, I remember".

                    "And when Hitler came to power,and they drove us out of our little shop and into a Ghetto,
                    but we survived and you was still beside me".

                    "Oh Yes Isaac!".

                    "And we managed to escape on a fishing boat,but the boat sank in a storm and we had to swim for our lives, but you stayed with me Rachel".

                    "Then we got rescued and taken to England, where I was treated for Pneumonia that I got from being in the sea for so long holding you up".

                    "Yes Isaac, My Hero!".

                    "Then after the war was over, we got a bank loan and opened a new little Tailor shop,but then the Bank Foreclosed on us just as we were beginning to make a living,and we lost everything".
                    "Now I is dying and all I can do is look back over all them years when you were with me Rachel, and I have come to a conclusion",

                    "Yes Isaac?".







                    "Rachel You Is A Bloooody Jonah ! ".:frown::frown::frown: ;).
                     
                  • kindredspirit

                    kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

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                    • music

                      music Memories Are Made Of This.

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                      Into a Belfast Pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
                      His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
                      "What happened to you! !", asks Sean, the Bartender.

                      " Jamie O' Conner and me had a fight",says Paddy.

                      "That little ****, O' Conner" says Sean,
                      "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand".

                      "That he did", says Paddy, " a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin he gave me with it".

                      "Well", says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,didn't you have something in your hand?".


                      "That I did ", said Paddy, "Mrs O' Conner's breast",



                      "And a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight". ;).
                       
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                      • Billybell

                        Billybell Gardener

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                        • Billybell

                          Billybell Gardener

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                          • Billybell

                            Billybell Gardener

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                            A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes,
                            and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
                            Naturally the Doctor asked him 'What happened to YOU?'

                            'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced
                            our golf balls into a field of cattle.

                            We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something
                            white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with
                            my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum.

                            Still holding the cow's tail up I yelled to my wife:
                            'Hey, this looks like yours!'
                            'I don't remember much after that'.’
                             
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                            • kindredspirit

                              kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

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                              This is absolutely brilliant. :) :) :)



                               
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