A JOKE OR TWO.!!

Little Hodaiki Knows
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright
foreign exchange student from Japan ,
who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more
difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can
do for your country?'

Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John
F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves,
Little Hodaiki isn't from this country and he knows more about our
history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: ‘F . . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodaiki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodaiki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to
the teacher,
'Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little moo poo.
If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice,
"Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
“Oh moo poo, we're f****d!”

Little Hodaiki said quietly, “Bob Diamond, Barclays Bank, 2012.”

 

Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback, and came upon a huge hole in the ground.


They approached it and were amazed at its size and depth.



The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."


The second said, “There's an old gear box over there. Let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”


Despite it being very heavy, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.


As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.


They were so mystified by this that they stood staring at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.


Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?"


The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"


The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old gear box."

 

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..."

he said with a deep sigh ........... .

















"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.

 

A man asks a farmer near the field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:30 PM train."
The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. as the man climbs over the gate the farmer asks "by the way is there an earlier train due in" Yes , at 4oclock ...why do you ask replies the man?
............................................... cos if my bull sees you, you'll likely even catch the 4 PM one."

 

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike,then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way.








So I Stole One And Asked Him To Forgive Me. .

 

A Senior citizen goes in for His Yearly Physical with his wife tagging along.

When the Doctor enters the Examination room he say's,"I Will Need A Urine Sample,And A Stool Sample".



The man being hard of hearing ,turns to his wife and asks,"WHAT DID HE SAY?".

The wife yells back to him,




"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR ' !!!!. .

 

Two Scottish ladies were chatting over the garden fence when one enquired she hasn't seen the others Husband for over a week..

.

"Och, a Sent Him Doon Tay the Allotment tay get me a big Cabbage fur the tea and when he didnae come hame efter an hour I went tay find him and there he wis lying Deed among the Cabbages"!.


"Oh Mither Of God, Wit Did Ye dae Then? , enquired her friend.










"Och A Jist Hid Tay go Hame and open a Tin o Peas". .

 

During my check-up I asked the Doctor,

"Do You Think I,ll Live A Long And Healthy Life Then ?.

He replied," I Doubt It Somehow, Mercury Is In Uranus Right Now".




I Said, "I Don,t Go In For Any Of That Astrology Nonsense".





He Replied, "Neither Do I, My Thermometer Just Broke" .

 

Why Is It So Hard, These Days, For Women To Find Men Who Are Sensitive,Caring, And Good Looking ??.











Because Those Guys Already Have Boyfriends. .

 

A 97 year old man goes into his doctors office and says,

"Doc,I want my sex drive lowered"!


"Sir," replied the doctor," your 97, don't you think your sex drive is all in your head"?.







"Your Darn Right It Is" !!, replied the old man,






"That's Why I Want It Lowered ! ". .

 

Message To Fat Controller.
In answer to your Brain Teaser .

The Orange Traffic Cone Shoved Oan Ra Heed Of The Statue Of The Duke Of Wellington,
In Glesga.



Pure Dead Brilliant Man init. .

 

A Man notices green lumps on his manhood,so he goes to the Doctors.

"That's Serious", says the Doctor , "You know how Rugby players get cauliflower ears "?


"Yes ", says the man seriously.





"Well ",says the Doctor ,You've got Brothel Sprouts". .







(Well at least it has a Garden Theme). .

 

Not Many May Know This. ,








When Johnny Cash wrote the song," Ring Of Fire",














It Was After He Had Inadvertently Used Vick Instead Of Anusol .