A Joke or Two... 2015

A man sitting in the bar found that the front of his trousers were wet.

Turning to the man on his right he asked,"Did you pour beer on my trousers?".
"Nope," came the reply.

Turning to the man on his left he asked," Did you pour beer on my trousers?".
"Nope," came the reply.








"Oops, it must have been an inside job" !!!!!..

 

This made me chuckle @Zigs!

 

When you are over 60--- Who gives a Sh*t.

I was standing at the Bar one night,minding my own business.
This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my Ass and said,
"You're kind of cute, you gotta phone number?"
I said "Yea,You gotta pen?".

She said, "Yea, I gotta pen".


I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you".





I had to attend A&E with a broken nose. .

 

(Medical Dictionary).

Artery------------------------- The study of paintings.

Benign------------------------ What you be after you be eight.

Catscan----------------------- Searching For Kitty.

Dilate--------------------------To Live Long.

Enema-------------------------Not A Friend.

Fibula--------------------------A Small Lie.

Impotent----------------------Distinguished, Well Known.

Node---------------------------I Knew It.

Pelvis--------------------------Second Cousin To Elvis.

Urine---------------------------Opposite Of You're Out.

Seizure-------------------------Roman Emperor..

 

85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’

The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’

 

I've bought my missus a fridge for Christmas.

Can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

 

Authorities have now identified a man's skeleton discovered last week in a cupboard in a house on the outskirts of Dublin. Using advanced DNA profiling it has been found to be the 1764 Irish hide and seek champion who has been missing since he was reported to be the winner of a contest at that time LOL