20 Things I Would Tell My Dog if he Could Understand Me

Hi everyone Just a bit of fun for the dog owners out there, and proof that I never should have called my dog Loki after the Norse god of mischief lol.

20 Things I Would Tell My Dog if he Could Understand Me

1. The vacuum cleaner is not your enemy. Addendum: yes, I realise that getting the robotic vacuum thingy was a mistake in hindsight but what you did to it was both unnecessary and probably against the Geneva convention.

2. When I hang washing out in the garden I am attempting to dry my laundry. I am not issuing a challenge.

3. Please don't steal my clothes and run off with them while I'm in the bath. I know it was my fault for not shutting the door properly but I'd be grateful if you wouldn't do that again. The neighbours think I'm weird enough already without seeing me chase my dog round the garden in nothing but a towel and soapy hair while you're flying my pants from your mouth like some perverted flag. Just so you know, only one of us was having fun during that particular "game".

4. I'm sorry I dumped half a cup of cold coffee on you. In my defence, I only upended the cup because you took me out at the knees going down the stairs and the other half did end up all over me. At least it was cold and at least I fell backwards.

5. If you could watch where you're leaping when you go on a moth hunt in the study then I and my coffee tables would be much obliged.

6. The bathroom is not a Tardis. Seriously, our house is not that interesting. If I go in, I will come out again shortly after so there is no need to howl like you've been abandoned.

7. Sometimes I have to work even when I'm at home. It sucks, but it pays the bills and keeps you in dog food. I'm sorry I can't show you more attention while I'm working, but your campaign to become my new "laptop" must stop. While I'm impressed that you taught yourself how to close the lid of the real one with your nose, I'm afraid I just can't use you as a replacement. You don't have enough USB ports.

8. The Tesco delivery guy is not trying to steal our stuff. This is especially true when they're delivering to one of our neighbours rather than to us, but thank you for making sure the entire street knows they're in the area.

9. One button push release umbrellas. I'm sorry you were frightened, but I did tell you to keep your nose out of my stuff and I did put it up on the counter where you're not supposed to be.

10. The commands "play dead" and "get off the sofa" are not actually interchangeable.

11. I know I'm inconsistent and can only apologise for not making sense to you. Allow me to try and explain: when you get the zoomies and run wild through the house at 3pm I find it funny and let you go about your business with a smile at your antics. When you get the zoomies at 3am it's just not quite so funny, and I cry at your antics.

12. Please stop barking at push scooters. They are not all out to run over your tail like that one almost did when you were a puppy. While I know you are barking ferociously at the two-wheeled hell-spawn-devices, they often come attached to children whose parents are less certain of your intentions.

13. I am very sorry for doing up the car window that time and trapping your head in it. I am also sorry that I laughed at you for ten minutes straight after the frantic scramble to shove the key back in the ignition, turn it to get power to the electric windows and release you before ensuring you were neither injured nor permanently traumatised.

14. You are my pet and not a guard dog but I can understand you still have 'guarding instincts' as a doberman. I even encourage you to raise hell if you spot an intruder in the back garden. However; pigeons, next door's cat and fluttering leaves do not count as intruders. Really, I do not need to know about them, especially not at any time that can be suffixed with "AM".

15. You can't bark at every idiot that walks past our house. You'll lose your voice long before the world runs out of idiots.

16. You know you're a dog owner when you have 140 cocktail sausages and 4 packs of honey roast ham chunks in your fridge and you don't eat either of these items yourself.

17. For the love of god, can you please make a squeaky toy last for more than twenty minutes before you have it disembowelled and I have to bribe you with all sorts of ham to get the tiny and very swallow-able squeaker off you before you choke your idiot self? Do you have any idea how much I have spent on squeaky octopi, ducks, pigs and foxes since you arrived?

18. Puppy cuddles. In the mornings when I have to get up early for work, puppy cuddles ought to be illegal. They make it impossible for me to find the will to get out of bed.

19. You can act big and tough all you want. I still remember that time between you learning to go up the stairs and down them when you were weeny and used to get marooned on the top floor landing. You cried like the world was ending until I came up to rescue you.

20. I love you. If you cannot understand any other item on this list, I hope you can get just this one. I can even quantify how much I love you: when you stole my wallet (which was in my bag, which was in turn wedged four-feet up in a bookcase in a failed attempt to prevent such thievery) and tore up a twenty pound note right in front of me, my first thought was thank god he didn't swallow any coins!