A Joke or Two, 2018

3 boys an Irish boy a Scottish boy and a Scouse boy are talking in the playground. The Irish boy says,

"My Dad's the fastest man in the world."
"How do you know that?" Ask the other boys.
"Because he can fire a bow and arrow and run and catch it!" He replies.
"That's nothing," says the Scottish boy.
"My Dad can fire a gun and run and catch the bullet!"
That's nothing says the Scouse boy,
"My Dad works for the Council, he finishes at half 4 and he's in the house for 2."

 

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Perth and park themselves on a bar stool.


One of them says to the barman, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.
I'm Joe, he's Jim. We'll have two XXXX Draught beers please"


The barman, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday recently, boys?"


"Off to America next month," says Joe. "We go to the States every year and hire a car and drive for miles and miles, don't we,Jim?" Jim agrees.


"Ah, America, "says the barman." Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."


"Nah, we don't like that US crap," says Joe."Meat pies and XXXX beer" that's us, eh Jim?
"We can't stand the Yanks - they're arrogant, rude & egotistical."


"So why keep going to America?" asks the barman.


Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

 

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

 

this guy is so funny. look on You tube for more.

This is what happens when you reply to spam email

 

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say "Your Honor, I'm guilty but..... There were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too, so I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honour, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise grip alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy... The door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire," found me... standing on my tip-toes, half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did, but thanks anyway." "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between clamps...." The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".

 

The best Irish joke in a long time …

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.


Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.


Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.


‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’


He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.


He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.


‘Be-Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.


He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.


He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’


He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.


The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’


Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’


‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’

 

Deep down he’s still just one of the guys…!!









I think this could have been Photoshopped or else she was wearing wet non-colourfast overalls.

 

@wiseowl this one's for you...

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10156923016164252