Joke Thread

Aliens visit Arizona




Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his
ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do
not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to
do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump
and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a
burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly
at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green
head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his
shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

 

:D:D:D

love it.

 

Hahaha! Good one :D

 

Us Gardeners will appreciate this one!


THE CLEVER GREEK


An old Greek man lived alone in Thebarton. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden, but it was hard work for his advanced years and the ground was
very hard.

His only son, Spiro, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.


Dear Spiro
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig
the plot for me.

Love Baba


A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Baba,
Don't dig up the garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love Spiro

At 4 am, 2 days later, Federal agents and SA Police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man
and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Baba,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love Spiro

 

A little boy goes to his father and asks, 'What is Politics and why is that Gordon Brown on the television again?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the
Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****.

 

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

[align=center]'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'


**************************


In a Podiatrist's office:


'Time wounds all heels.'


**************************


On a Septic Tank Truck:


Yesterday's Meals on Wheels


**************************


At a Proctologist's door:


'To expedite your visit, please back in.'


**************************


On a Plumber's truck:


'We repair what your husband fixed.'


**************************


On another Plumber's truck:


'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'


**************************


On a Church's Bill board:


'7 days without God makes one weak.'


**************************


At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:


'Invite us to your next blowout.'


**************************


At a Towing company:


'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'


**************************


On an Electrician's truck:


'Let us remove your shorts.'


**************************


In a Nonsmoking Area:


'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'


**************************


On a Maternity Room door:


'Push. Push. Push.'


**************************[/align]

 

[align=center]At an Optometrist's Office:[/align]


[align=center]'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'[/align]


[align=center]**************************[/align]


[align=center]On a Taxidermist's window:[/align]


[align=center]'We really know our stuff.'[/align]


[align=center]**************************[/align]


[align=center]On a Fence:[/align]


[align=center]'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'[/align]


[align=center]**************************[/align]


[align=center]At a Car Dealership:[/align]


[align=center]'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'[/align]


[align=center]**************************[/align]


[align=center]Outside a Muffler Shop:[/align]


[align=center]'Come on in; we know you're here.'[/align]


[align=center]**************************[/align]


[align=center]In a Veterinarian's waiting room:[/align]


[align=center]'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'[/align]


[align=center]**************************[/align]


[align=center]At the Electric Company[/align]


[align=center]'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.[/align]


[align=center]However, if you don't, you will be.'[/align]


[align=center]**************************[/align]


[align=center]In a Restaurant window:[/align]


[align=center]'Don't stand there hungry; come on in and get fed up.'[/align]


[align=center]**************************[/align]


[align=center]In the front yard of a Funeral Home:[/align]


[align=center]'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'[/align]


[align=center]************[/align]


[align=center]At a Propane Filling Station:[/align]


[align=center]'Thank heaven for little grills.'[/align]


[align=center]**************************[/align]


[align=center]And don't forget the sign at a[/align]


[align=center]CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:[/align]


[align=center]'Best place in town to take a leak.'[/align]

********************

Sign on the back of

another Septic Tank

Truck:


[align=center]'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'[/align]

 

Haha, brilliant. Although I had to quote it to read it as it was too big :D

 

:D :D :D

 

:D Brilliant Moyra.

 

just realised there's two joke threads now!

 

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up

and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks

his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!

Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet ?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school .'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the


Vaseline and I think...

I gave him my airplane glue.'

 

Don't worry, our Moyra has a habit of doing this.:D:D:D

 

At least they're good jokes! :D