jokes

The son of a builder is approaching his 6th birthday and his father asks him what does he wishes for his birthday...
-what I really would want is a baby brother...
- I can't possibily get you a baby brother in just under two weeks!
- can't you do what you do at work and put more men on the job?
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I am new in town - can I have directions to your house?
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-A man is being audited by the tax inspector..
-How did you manage to buy such a luxurious villa when your income is so low?
-Well it is like this. While I was fishing last summerI caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook the fish opened his mouth and said "I am a magical fish" "throw me back to the sea and I will give you the most luxurious villa you have ever seen" So I threw it back and I got the villa.
-Now...how do you expect me to believe you?
-Well you can see the house, can't you?

 

Another 'builder' joke. This really happened to some friends of mine. They were having some major building work done on their home and it was dragging on and on. Consequently, the couple's three year old daughter got to know the builders quite well and she used to 'help' them. They'd put a bit of sand or half a brick in her little wheelbarrow and she'd push it around. Visitors used to find this rather sweet; it never occurred to anyone that she might be learning more than a bit of elementary construction.

Eventually, the house was finished and the builders left for good. Our friends decided to celebrate by inviting the whole family round for lunch. 'So', said Granny to the little girl, 'have you finished helping the builders now?' The toddler smiled her angelic smile and nodded. 'And why is that?' asked Gran, rather patronisingly. The toddler gave her a withering glance, sighed and said: ''Cos there ain't no more f****** bricks.

 

OMG............too funny!!!!

 

A man was in his veg garden planting spuds in long rows.
His wife was sunbathing and his 5 yr old son was helping him.
3 months after no spuds were showing, the man stood there scraching his head.
Oh were are the spuds he cryed out, with that his son said dady they are in the bag incase you lost them in the dirt.

 

"When I Was A Kid I Used To Pray Every Night For A New Bike"
"Then I Realized That The Lord Doesn't Work That Way"

"So I Stole One And Asked Him To Forgive Me":WINK1:.

 

A Senior Citizen Goes In For His Yearly
Physical With His Wife Tagging Along,
When The Doctor Enters The Examination
Room He Says,"I Will Need A Urine Sample,"
A Stool Sample, And A Sperm Sample,"

The Man, Being Hard Of Hearing,Turns
To His Wife And Asks,"What Did He Say??"
The Wife Yells Back To Him,


"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR".

 

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, .......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, ...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! ....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. ............. 'Get your own f***ing blanket!

After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.

The End