Just had a phone call from 'Microsoft'

They probably also knew you were standing there just in your underpants, Scrungee, or so they would have you believe!!

 

Some of you will have seen the transcripts of some of my conversations with these people (I've got a number of them ).

Here are a couple:-

At 12.08 today I received another call from a gentleman with an Indian accent. He was trying to tell me I had a virus on my computer.


My usual way of dealing with these calls is to mess them about and see how long I can keep them on the phone. Today was different. I think that what sparked my responses this time was the fact that I had just been deciding whether to have a sandwich or some left over curry for lunch.


This was a reasonably brief conversation for me as I kept interrupting what he was saying instead of waiting for him to finish.


“Hello, Is that Mr…?”


Rather abrupt, “Of course it is, you know that. You called me.” (All my further interruptions are very abrupt.)


“It’s been reported to us …”


“Yes, Yes, I’m not interested in excuses. You’re late!”


A pause then “I think you ….”


“You promised to deliver by 12 o’clock and it’s ten past. What’s wrong?”


“No, no, I think you’re mistaken …”


“I’m never mistaken! I know what I ordered and have it written down in front of me.”


“I’m sorry, Mr … but what do you think you ordered?”


“My usual curry, of course! Four poppadoms, lamb Vindaloo, Bombay aloo and plain rice.”


“But we’re not…”


“Look, if you don’t want my business I can always order from the Raj.”


“No, you have a virus …”


“What!!!! Your handling food when you have a virus!! I’ve a good mind to report you to Environmental Health.”


“It’s your computer…”


“Don’t try and blame your mistakes on a computer. I ordered by phone. So either get your finger out and get here within five minutes or I’ll never order from you again!”


And I slammed the phone down.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


“Hello”


“We have a report that you have a virus on your computer.”


“Oh, dear! I wondered what the cause was. Can you help me?”


Ahh, you’ve already noticed that you have a virus. Don’t worry we can solve the problem quite easily.”


“Wonderful!! When will you come round and what are you going to do?”


“We don’t need to come round. We can do everything from here.”


“Fantastic! It’s wonderful what modern science can do. How long does it take to work?”


“Not long. You just have to download some software that we can send to you.”


“Brilliant! Is this on the National Health? Because I’m a poor old pensioner and can’t afford anything.”


“There’s only a small charge but it solves all your problems.”


“Wow! Can it solve my other problems as well?”


“What are these other problems?”


“Well, my biggest problem is my back, up to now.”


“That’s OK, we have some other software to sort out back-up problems.”


“Great! Well, tell me what to do.”


“I’ll tell you what to type into your computer and it will show you on the screen what problems you’ve got.”


“Amazing! Will it tell me how I got this virus?”


“It’ll show you lots of things that are wrong but we can solve them all.”


“I always thought that you couldn’t sort out ‘Man-flu’ and that it just had to run its natural course.”


“Sorry, I don’t understand!”


“Well, I’m surprised that you can sort out my virus through the computer, but I suppose you don’t want to catch it yourself. Where did you get your medical training?”


Puzzled voice. “I don’t have any medical training but I’m highly trained in IT.”


“Oh, if you’re trained in ‘it’ I suppose you’re OK. Do I have to take any pills because I have trouble swallowing?”


Pause. “I’m not sure I understand!”


“Well, if you don’t understand then I don’t want any medical help from you!” And I slammed the phone down.

 

Since I never answer my phone but leave it to my answer machine until I know who it is I don't think "Microsoft" will be doing "business" with me!!

 

I had a call yesterday that asked me to confirm the report they had received that I have had an accident in my car recently.

I only managed to keep them on the phone for 26 minutes before the person called me a rude name!! (They had called just as I had settled back comfortably in my office armchair with a lovely hot cuppa and my feet up on the filing cabinet . A very pleasant way to while away my tea break .)