Office Holiday Party

Company Memo

>
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE: October 1, 2009
>
> RE: Gala Christmas Party
>
> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
> will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private
> function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of
> drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free
> to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
> Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of
> gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should
> be over
> $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
> This gathering is only for employees!
>
> Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
>
> Merry Christmas to you and your family,
>
> Patty
>
>
>
> Company Memo
>
> ________________________________
>
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE: October 2, 2009
>
> RE: Gala Holiday Party
>
> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
> Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday,
> which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this
> year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The
> same policy applies to any other
> employees who are not Christians and to
> those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas
> tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of
> music for your enjoyment.
>
> Happy now?
>
> Happy Holidays to you and your family,
>
> Patty
>
>
>
> Company Memo
>
> ________________________________
>
> FROM: Patty
> Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE: October 3, 2009
>
> RE: Holiday Party
>
>
> Regarding the note I received from a member of
> Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign
> your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a
> sign
> on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
> How am I supposed to handle this?
>
> Somebody?
>
> And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts
> are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money
> and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
>
> REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
>
> Company Memo
>
> ________________________________
>
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human
> Resources Director
>
> To: All Employees
>
> DATE: October 4, 2009
>
> RE: Generic Holiday Party
>
> What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that
> December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
> eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
> Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does
> not accommodate
> our Muslim employees' beliefs Perhaps the Grill House
> can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else
> package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.
> Will that work?
>
> Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers
> to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the
> table closest to the restrooms.
>
> Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do
> not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
>
> Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's
> table.
>
> To the person asking permission to cross
> dress, the
> Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because
> of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
>
> We will have booster seats for short people.
>
> Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
>
> I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount
> of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with
> high blood pressure taste a bite first.
>
> There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for
> diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
>
>
>
> Did I miss anything?!?!?
>
> Patty
>
> Company Memo
>
> ________________________________
>
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All F*%^ing Employees
>
> DATE: October 5, 2009
>
> RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
>
> I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going
> to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you
> can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
> so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including
> organic tomatoes.. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
> scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
> scream right NOW!
>
> The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope
> you all have a rotten holiday!
>
>
> Drive drunk and die,
>
> The B*tch from H*ll!!!
>
> Company Memo
>
> ________________________________
>
> FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
>
> DATE: October 6, 2009
>
> RE:
> Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
>
> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a
> speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
>
> In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
> Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full
> pay.
>
> Happy Holidays!
>
> Joan

 

I saw that joke a couple of years ago. Still relevant! And I agree with the last bit - much better to shut down a day early and give everyone an extra day off. I loathe office Christmas parties. And 'Secret Santa', shudder!

 

I only go to staff do's when I'm feeling a bit mischievous. If I'm in my usual 'self restrained' diplomatic mood I don't bother, but if I'm in the right mood I go along just to watch in amusement as the boss gets escorted off the premises and bundled into a taxi, being too drunk to stand unaided (saw that once), or the normally shy girl suddenly become a crazy table dancing maniac, or two lads who have had to work together despite personality differences shoving each other about. I particularly like knowing, when I see these things, that the next day they will be sober and back in the office, hoping and praying that everyone else got too drunk to remember any of it.

 

Oh yes, remaining sober at the office party is always fun. I also find arranging your own transport to and from the party is an excellent idea...that and slipping away without making a huge song and dance about leaving.

 

Hey what about this one.

A lad at our work went to a Christmas do a few year back. He'd just got married earlier that same year (to a lady who also worked at our place as it happened). He got drunk and decided to phone his new wife to come and pick him up. While waiting outside for her, he got chatting to another lady, and things progressed. His new wife, who he'd phone to collect him, turned up just in time to see her new husband snogging this other lady. Talk about foolish, if you're inconsiderate enough to cheat, best not phone your wife to come along just before hand. They are now divorced and he mysteriously left the company at very short notice.