Your country needs you!

Right, I've been thinking - this lack of summer warmth and good light for our wee plants is becoming a bit ridiculous now, so I think we need a concerted heave to do something about it.

I have an idea, and I think we can kick it off here on GC.

We all know that the reason that we have this poor weather is that the jet stream has shifted position to the south of us, and until it heads back north we are not going to see much improvement. So, we need to do something to move it.

My idea:

Forcible Air Relocation Thesis (F.A.R.T)

We, as a country, all need to stock up on baked beans (any brand is fine), and then at a pre-determined time consume at least one tin of beans each; to allow suitable time for the beans to 'process' I would suggest that this is done around 12-noon on the day of our choosing - my thinking being that the processing will be well underway by 4pm and we still have some daylight hours left to execute the next stage.

Onto stage two, which will require a compass or a fine sense of direction. At approximately 4pm, all participants should kneel on the ground, outdoors, with your hands also on the ground in front of you (so kneeling like a dog). The key, however, is for each participant to incline their hind-quarters so that they are angled skyward and in a northbound direction (therefore the participant should be facing south) - this will hopefully allow for optimum projection toward the jet-stream. If the participant is lucky enough to live in a secluded area where they can participate au-naturalé, then this will surely be beneficial, however great care must be taken to ensure that neighbours and friends are not offended.

Over the next few hours, it is anticipated that the fuel (beans) processed over the prior few hours will be fully active, and will result in air beginning to move; NOTE - don't worry if you hear noises during the process, particularly those that sound like trumpets or even like someone rattling a stick over an old tin roof. This is a normal side-effect, and is not harmful to the participant or to the process.

It is hoped that the movement of air, coupled with the inclined rear-quarters, and the fact that the air will be naturally slightly warmed, that this will induce enough of an air current to force the the jet-stream back toward its preferred location.

It should be recognised that this may have to be repeated over a few days to achieve the desired effect, however please be assured that this will not result in any ill effects for participants.

There is a side-line benefit to this plan, which is the benefit to the economy resulting from increased sales of baked beans and air freshener.

CAUTION! - It is strongly advised that smoking and naked flames are avoided whilst the process is taking place; this advice is applicable even to non-participants on safety grounds.

Should any participants find that they are unable to cease emissions at the end of the project, medication is available under a number of brands, with Beano being one of them; Medications of this type are known as antiflatulents, also sometimes given the generic name of 'Stopsafartin'.

Please be aware that taking part may result in a further 'loosening' in the region - should this be the case, it is suggested that Loperamide Hydrochloride or 'Stopsapoopin' as it is otherwise known, is used according to the instructions in the pack.

 

Great idea Do we all have to be in tune?


A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
in a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces .

From wide-open prairie,
To a small elevator,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.........
old farts like you!

 

Well, it would appear that the great GC project was a complete success, as the jet stream has apparently been relocated and we have some great growing weather now with us.

Hoof-hearted? Irrelevant, I say!

 

Its the horses I feel sorry for: