The Satirical news article thread

Not sure this has ever been done on here.. here's two I made to get the ball rolling.

Feel free to add your own.

MOTORISTS TO COME UNSTUCK DURING ECLIPSE

On the 20th March 2015, a solar eclipse will darken the skies over the United Kindgom. Whilst the eclipse will bring many people flocking to the countryside to witness the special occasion, there is significant concern that it may also coincide with the morning commute. Oliver Morley, the CEO for the drivers and licensing agency expressed concern;

"Britain's drivers are notoriously poor, and after the 1mm of snow we recieved this winter, you can see the problem we face. This is a different proposition altogether of course - we know snow often causes misery - even the odd floating flake will bring the country to a grinding halt!" exclaimed Mr Morley.


The DVLA, who are known for the stringent health and safety policies, such as ensuring a traffic cone guards a mis-placed puddle, largely to prevent learner drivers from drowning, have suggested new guidelines to help drivers avoid problems during the eclipse.


Guidelines


Geoffrey Podger, the head of health and safety executive, has outlined some of the things people should look out for, in order to remain safe on the road;



"The important thing is that people are prepared, and do not travel unless absolutely necessarily"


Other outlines include actually using mirrors, not using the sunroof as a viewing platform, and making sure children are securely fastened in with a seatbelt. Daniel Meyer, a resident from Buckingham, claimed back in the 1999 solar eclipse, he saw a child climb out of the roof and start jumping around for joy, whilst howling like a werewolf on a moving vehicle.

"this has the potential to cause a very serious accident" Daniel claimed. "People just have no control in these situations and the book must stop with the parents".


Whilst this will be quite a sight for drivers with a less than capable aptitude for holding their vehicle, after this date, assuming there are any survivors left on the road, the next solar eclipse will occur in August 2026, just 11 years away. It is thought however by that time, there will be a full transport and health and safety regulation covering the eventuality of solar eclipses across the United Kingdom.

 

DEFRA: “DON'T BOTHER EATING”


Today, The Department of Food and Agriculture, have released a statement urging people to give up eating. The secretary of state for food and agriculture, Jim Paice, said in a press conference, due to differences of opinion in the validity and safety of certain foods, the most feasible approach is just to stop eating.


Jim went on further to say


“Every month we have a new scientific body reporting back on the safety of our foods. We're not quite sure where we stand in regard to food health and safety anymore”


Differing opinions

In January a study came out suggesting red wine was detrimental for your health, yet in October, it is the best thing since sliced bread. It is not surprising therefore that these calls for absolute abdication from eating foodstuffs has arisen.


Jennifer Sutri, campaign organiser for Anorexics anonymous, claimed that this was a great triumph for her organisation;


“Too many people are eating it's as simple as that. The consumption of food is causing divisions in society and even among the scientific community”


Chris Temple, a post graduate at Sheffield Hallam University agreed with Jennifer;


“Yes, there are often brawls in the student union about which foodstuffs are likely to cause heart disease, rheumatoid arthritis or gout.. it can get very heated in there”


Despite these ramifications, many government officials, group co-ordinators and scientists are proposing that forsaking food, will leave the consumer with more money to spend on other things, such as house upkeep, hospital bills, and ultimately, life insurance.


Tomorrow, a bill will go through parliament to see whether the members of parliament would like to raise a law, banning the consumption of food outright.

 

@stephenprudence Sorry I'm having a 'senior' moment, are these actual articles or have you made them up?
Either way I'm afraid there is too much here to read through.

 

I made them up.. it's just making fun of the news in a creative way.. satire :-)

 

I love satire! I just lack the imagination

@stephenprudence - do you like Chris Morris?

 

Honestly can't say I've heard of him

I do like satire though I must admit.

 

I can foresee the eclipse actually causing a lot of potential distraction to drivers. That's enough of being serious, time for silly stuff ....

Millions of idiots expected to go blind on 20th March

Scientists predict that millions of rebellious idiotic, rude, young adults will be blinded during the eclipse. Dr. Smerve Leude of the Whackover Institute told reporters that the eclipse of the sun later this month would not be total. Damaging rays would blind anyone stupid enough to stare at it. He noted that a mass coronal ejection event is likely to occur during the eclipse, powerful enough to blind all looking at it.

The good doctor laid it on the line, "Basically, anyone stupid enough to stare at the sun deserves to go blind. I mean really, I learned that in the eighth grade, not to stare at the sun. Most of today's young unemployed drugged up hopped up sexed up chatted up laughed up weeded up aspartame chugging beer drinking pot smoking losers will probably go blind. "Invest in white canes", he concluded. (plagiarised from thespoof.com)

 

Not so much satire, more very dark. Too dark for me to post a video so take a look here..........

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=blue+jam+relaxed+parents

It is very dark