Seed Catalogues & Mental Health

At this lovely time of year we are all receiving seed catalogs, brightening up our days with gorgeous pictures of every gourmets wildest fantasies and a gardeners Holy Grail. I posit that these very catalogs are a danger to the gardeners mental health. These agricultural porn sites are chock full of disgustingly perfect tomatoes, of clusters of grapes large enough to make a half gallon of wine. Of bracolli so huge they don't fit on a plate. Of pepper plants so covered with fruit that you can barely see any leaves. Of fruits so easy to grow that even you cannot help but fill your pantry to overflowing. And nary a blemish to be seen. No signs of any insect damage anywhere, of half chewed leaves, of holes drilled into tomatoes, of a slugs slime trail, nothing. But of course you will not ever encounter any of these nasties if you just turn to page 69 and purchase their all purpose, all in one, easy to use herbifertifungisective for only $29.99.

Spring arrives. You are euphoric with visions of plums and tomatoes dancing in your head. You have your packets of dreams soon to be fulfilled. You sweat and toil. You use the Super All In One Herbifertifungisective for only $29.99. You sow the seeds and with bated breath you wait for what seems like eons for their little heads to pop up out of your perfect soil. Your mind is at ease, all is well in the gardening world. Your new family of tomatoes and peppers and beans and all of the fruits that are so easy to grow even you can fill your pantry are thriving. A good days work you say to yourself with smug satisfaction. And then the next day SHOCK, PANIC, HEART PALPATATIONS! Your new family is wilted, there are slime trails from every direction converging on your plot, what seems like clouds of insects are hovering overhead and there are black spots and mold and mildew everywhere. As the first signs of shock and disbelief dissipate somewhat you ask yourself, What Do I Do? You rack your brain, your worry, you are stressed until the answer comes. So simple. I will just go online to GC and ask. You race back to your computer and describe what is happening and the answer is simple. The local expert asks if you used the Super All In On Herbifertifungisective for only $29.99 and if so that is the problem and if so do this. You do as instructed and low and behold your new family is again thriving. Your plants grow and make a lot of fruit but somehow somewhere something just isn't the same as all of those gorgeous pictures in the Seed Catalog. What am I doing wrong? Why are my brocolli only half as big a dinner plate. My tomatoes aren't the same uniform color. You have a slight feeling of failure, of depression, of I did something wrong because my peppers only cover half of the plant. Why do I feel this way you ask yourself, so you go online to GC and read this rant and find out that the cause of your depression are Seed Catalogs

 

Brilliant Chuck, brilliant

And congratulations on winning GC's Word of the week with

 

They all use Photoshop.

 

Perhaps 'agriporn'.

 

remedies please

 

Go to a well established farmer's auction. Last time I went to one, Massey Ferguson had a display 'stand' (about half of the entire car park). That's hard-core agriporn. After that, seed catalogues become nothing more than the lingerie section of the littlewoods catalogue.

 

Seed catalogues... I've discovered that I am safest from further temptation by immediately passing the catalogue onto someone else. Right after I have placed my order.

One company didn't have the plant picture on their packets so I didn't remember how they were supposed to look - and I therefore wasn't disappointed with my crop!

 

Chuck, You need to use Rock Dust, Cabbages too large to lift
Wheat enough to stil your own Bourbon, Rock Dust

Jack McHammocklashing

 

Talking of agriporn, you wouldn't believe what goes on out in the sticks around these parts.

Suffolk Gazette

 

That's a funny story. It's even funnier if while reading it silent, you realise that you're inadvertently putting on a farmer's accent in your head as you read it.

 

Agri-porn brilliant

 

That tractor story

Guess the coppers gave him his Deere John letter....