Don't Read If You Are Easily Offended!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. F*** me, talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."
"f*** that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him...
"Where are you from? You sound English".
"I'm from across the Severn ," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn ?". "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?"
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p* nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some b * stard's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my a***!
Do you think I should change dentists?

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not f*****g listening.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty.
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

 

:D :D :D :D :D

Pleased you all liked them. I thought they were some of the best I've heard for a while.