A Joke Or Two 2025

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I dropped a full catering tub of margarine on my foot a couple of weeks ago, and it's still really painful.

I can't believe it's not better.

 

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Angela Rayner faces renewed calls to resign as her financial advisor is revealed.

 

Good one, @gks.

 

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Boris Johnson walks into a Bank

He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

The cashier says “It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?”

Johnson replies: “: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, Prime Minister.””

The cashier says: “Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”

Johnson says: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”

The Cashier responds: “I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

Johnson says: “Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.”

The cashier relents.

“Alright sir, here is an example of what we can do,” he says.

“One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without an ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the Thames into a cup of tea held by the bank's chairman without spilling a drop. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.

“Another time, Gordon Ramsay came in without an ID. To prove who he was, he made delicious chicken parm right here on my table, called the branch manager a loving donkey, and fired everyone at the fish and chips joint next door. With that we knew who he was and cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?”

Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do."

The cashier replies: “That will do just fine good sir, will that be large or small notes?”