A Joke Or Two 2025

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."

He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.

The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap . . . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner . . . . then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a sh*t first."

 

A Lybster crofting couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts in pub," she said.

The girl agreed then to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in
the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was most generously endowed in the hair department .

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Well, did you see ?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?."

"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You have seen it often enough."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team haven’t!"

 

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring ,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten .
I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request .

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

'You want... Garlic Chicken wif flied lice..???

 

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.

And as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little knee-trembler.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and said what kind of a time he'd had.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance - when I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening... but the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

 

A young girl started work in the pharmacy in Brora

She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom wont even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350". The girl panicked.

She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.

"Yes "!! she said "He's got one hanging there"....!
The boss said "Go back in and give him THREE POUNDS FIFTY He's the Window cleaner".