todays offering

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.,:-(

[hr]
After a visit to a lady of the night house, a man notices a green lump on his willy so goes to doc's.
"That's serious" says doc, "You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ear?"
"Yes," says man nervously.
"Well," says doc , "You've got a brothel sprout!"

 

.................

 

Hope you weren't listening to the flight of the bumblebee Exlabman .................

 

Lol

 

Paddy an Mick found 3 hand grenades an decided to take em to the police.

MICK: What if 1 explodes before we get there?

PADDY: We'll say we only found two!

 

Why men don't write advice columns:

Woman: A few months ago my husband of twenty years lost his job, and due to the recession found it difficult to find another job. For the first couple of weeks he was very optimistic about it, saying that he hated his job anyway, and this was exactly what he needed to spur him on to do something he liked better. The weeks passed and and he grew more and more withdrawn. I could see it was really grinding him down. After a while his attitude changed and he stopped paying attention to me. I was really upset and tried to talk to him but he just wouldn't open up. Each day I would leave for work, and see his face showing more and more resentment that I had a job and he didn't. After a while he seemed to get used to this too, and I thought he was getting better so I was obviously very relieved. Then this morning I left for work as usual, I got a few hundred yards down the road when the car started to jerk about, then it just stopped. I was so upset and didn't know what to do so I walked home to get my husband. I let myself in and he wasn't downstairs, so thinking he'd gone for a lay down I went up to the bedroom. I caught him in the act with a much younger looking blonde woman. I was so upset. I was angry, but at the same time I couldn't help thinking he'd done it just to prove to himself that he still had worth. I don't understand. I've been supportive in every way, I just don't know what to do.

Male advice column writer: You didn't really give enough detail for me to make an accurate diagnosis, but when a car misfires and then stalls it could be due to a number of reasons. I suggest you check the condition of your HT leads and spark plugs as sudden failure is often ignition related. It could also be that your fuel pump has failed. Check that you can hear a faint hum when you first turn the ignition on but before cranking it over. If you can then it may be a blockage in the fuel lines, or an air leak in one of the vacuum hoses. Check that your injectors are operating and not clogged. If none of this helps, then get the fault codes read from the ECU.

 

With hindsight I should have posted my facebook status as;

"I have blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford" rather than

"I've just f*@*ed a 13 year old escort"

Still, I don't get out enough and a few hours at the police station made a change

 

Apparently the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

So every morning I slap the wife & say ''2 sugars, fattie."

 

Laughing with tears in my eyes