A Joke or Two... 2014

Old thread originally started by Kindredspirit...


New Year... New Thread...

 

I just couldn't resist this one...

 

Diving in Australia

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, “Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news.”

“Well,” says the bloke, “I guess I'd better have the bad news first.”

The Sarge says, “I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.”

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, “Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.”

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.


“Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So, what's the other possible good news?”

“Well,” the Sarge says, “If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.”

 

SOMETIMES.....

Sometimes, when you cry.......... no one sees your tears.

Sometimes, when you are in pain....... no one sees your hurt

Sometimes, when you are worried......... no one sees your stress

Sometimes, when you are happy........... no one sees your smile











But FART just one bleedin' time......

 

A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR …
A pirate walked into a bar, and the publican said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The publican replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them moo poo in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the publican.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird sh*t - surely."


"It was my first day with the hook."

 

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's...

the landlord goes out of his way for the locals.

When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman," at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 

Breakdancing


Husband takes his wife to a fancy new disco.




There's a guy on the dance floor living large:


break dancing, moon walking, back flips, smiling, laughing, playing the crowd, the works.



The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."



Husband's reply -




"Looks like he's still celebrating."

 

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1 - Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Jaguar than on a bicycle.

2 - Forgive your enemy, but remember the blighter's name.

3 - If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4 - Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5 - Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.






Bonus:


Condoms don't guarantee safe sex - a friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.