Chuckles

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Someone asked me for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget, the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Not even close!

I'm great at multi-tasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all together, at once.

If you can smile when things go very wrong, you have someone you dislike in mind to lay the blame on.

Take my advice — I'm not using it.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home, when you wish they were.

Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

Every time someone comes up with a fool proof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

If you take the advice to keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have big trouble putting on your pants.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. So I got the last laugh.

Ever stop to think . . . and then completely forget to start again? It's called Getting Old!

When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

My wife got 8 out 10 on her driving test. The other two lucky guys managed to jump out of her way.

There may be no acceptable excuse for laziness, but I'm still alive and looking.

Women spend a lot more time wondering what men are thinking, than men spend thinking.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Isn't it illegal and wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are into the do-it-yourself type.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a broken vending machine.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.