Funny recipes..

how to cook a husband!!

Be careful in your selection.

Do not choose too young.

When once selected, give your entire thoughts to preparation for domestic use.

Some insist on keeping them in a pickle.

Others are constantly getting them into hot water. This makes them sour, hard to get along with and sometimes bitter.

Even poor varieties may be made sweet, tender and good by garnishing them with patience and sweetening with kisses.

Wrap them in a mantle of charity.

Keep warm with a steady fire of domestic devotion, and serve with peaches and cream.

Thus prepared, they will keep well for years.

 

Elephant stew..

(How to Feed A Crowd)
1 Elephant (medium)
Brown Gravy (Watkins Beef Soup & Gravy Base)
Watkins Sea Salt & Watkins Pepper
Two Rabbits (optional)

Cut elephant into small bite sized pieces. This should take only about two months. Add enough gravy to cover. Cook over kerosene fire for about four weeks at 465 degrees. Makes about 3,800 servings. To extend it add rabbits, but do this only if necessary as most people do not like to find hare in their stew.

 

Chocolate Advice
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, oranges & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The Solution : Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet Tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolate can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark and white chocolate is that a balanced diet?

Money talks......chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

 

fruit cake...

1 Cup Water
1 Cup Butter
1 Cup Sugar
4 Large Eggs
2 Cups Dried Fruit
1 teas. Baking Soda
1 teas. Salt
1 teas. Watkins Vanilla Extract
1 Cup Brown Sugar
2 Cups of Flour
1 Tbsp. Lemon Juice
1 Cup Chopped Nuts
1 Gallon Wine

Sample the wine to check for quality.

Take a large bowl.

Check the wine again to make sure that it is of the highest quality.

Pour 1 level cup and drink.

Repeat if you're not sure.

Turn on the electric mixer and beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy

bowl.

Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.

Make sure the wine is still okay. Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer.

Break two legs and add to the bowl along with some Watkins Vanilla Extract and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the wine again to check for tonsisticity.

Next sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Who cares.

Check the wine.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add 1 table. Spoon. Of sugar or flour or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake pan to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Throw one bowl out the window.

Check the wine again. Go to bed.

Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?

 

Whisky Cake..

Christmas Whiskey Cake

1 cup butter

2 cups sugar

6 large eggs

2 teaspoons baking powder

3 cups flour, sifted

1/2 t. salt

1 cup bourbon

1 pound pecans, chopped

3 cups white raisins (or use candied fruit)

1 t. nutmeg

AND

~ a very large bottle of bourbon whiskey ~


First, sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Assemble all of the ingredients. Check the whiskey again.

To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat this step.

Turn on the electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in a large

fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and cream until beat.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay... try another cup.

Turn off the mixer. Beat six leggs and add to the bowl,

then chunk in the cup of dried flut. Mix on the tuner.

Throw in two quarts of flour. Gradually pour in the cow.

Add 2 dried anything.

If the fried druit gets struck in the beaters, pry it loose with

a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey and check it again for tonsistency.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares???


Check the whiskey again.

Now sift the nutmeg and strain your nuts. Add one table.

And the spoon. Of whiskee. Or something. Whatever you find left.

Grease the oven.

Turn the crake pan to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Pour the oven into the batter. Throw the bowl out the window.

Lick the batter off the floor.

Bake 300 minutes at 50 degrees.

Finish the blobble of whishy and flow to bed.

~

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To an optimist every weed is a flower; to a pessimist every flower is a weed.

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Posts: 1529 | From: west midlands | Registered: Mar 2006 | IP: Logged |

 

The Stress Diet
This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day;

BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast
1 Cup Skim Milk

LUNCH
Small Portion Lean, Steamed Chicken with a Cup of Spinach
1 Cup Watkins Green Theratea
1 Tim Tam

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the Tim Tams in the packet
1 Tub of Rocky Road Ice Cream with Choc-Ice Topping
1 Jar Nutella

DINNER
4 Bottles of Red Wine
2 Loaves Garlic Bread
1 Family Size Supreme Pizza
3 Snickers Bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
Whole Frozen Sarah Lee Cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

DIET RULES

1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories;

2. When drinking a Diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the Diet Coke cancels out the fat in the chocolate bar;

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do;

4. Food used for medical purposes does NOT count (for example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka);

5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner;

6. Cinema related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake (this includes: popcorn, mints, Maltezers, Jaffas and frozen Cokes).

7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up cause calorie leakage;

8. Foods licked from knives and spoons have no fat if you are in the process of cooking something;

9. Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice cream; apples and red jelly snakes.

10. Chocolate is like a food-color wildcard and may be substituted for any other color.

11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass;

12. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his / her plate (oh, how fat likes to cling!)

And remember: STRESSED SPELT BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.





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The Turkey Poem
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
It knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor;
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance;
it smeared every saucer and bowl;
There wasn't a way I could stop it;
that turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.

 

The night of thanksgiving..

Twas the of Thanksgiving, I just couldn't sleep,
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep

The leftovers beckoned --- The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation
The thought of a snack became infatuation

So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !!

I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky....
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,

But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees ...

HAPPY EATING TO ALL !!

PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE !!

 

:D :D :D :D

 

Mom's Brownies
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.

Take shortening can away from Tommy and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup Watkins Baking Cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Tommy again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 teas. Watkins Vanilla Extract, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Tommy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Tommy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.

Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

Frosting:
Mix the following in saucepan:

1 Cup Sugar
1 Oz. Unsweetened Chocolate
1/4 Cup Margarine

Take the darn teddy bear out of the broiler and throw it away -- far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr. in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Tommy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Tommy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven.

 

That's my life that is!!! :D :D :D

 

:D :D :D :D :D :D Love the chocky ones

 

Dieters psalm..

Strict is my diet. I must not want.

It maketh me to lie down at night hungry.

It leadeth me past the confectioners.

It trieth my willpower.

It leadeth me in the paths of alteration for my figure's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the aisles of the pastry department, I will buy no sweet rolls for they are fattening.

The cakes and the pies, they tempt me.

Before me is a table set with green beans and lettuce.

I filleth my stomach with liquids, My day's quota runneth over.

Surely calorie and weight charts will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the fear of scales forever.

 

very good wilflower excellent :D :D