A Joke or Two... 2014

A Little old man and a little old woman were sitting on the porch swing together enjoying a lovely Spring Day.
Out of no where the little old woman turns and slaps the old man as hard as she could.
"What On Earth Was That For", he asked,

She replies, "50 Years Of Bad Sex, that's what for".

They sit in silence for about 5 minutes and the the old man turns and slaps the old woman.

"Why On Earth Did You Just Do That", she asked.





"For Knowing The Difference" , The old man replied..

 

A Little Old Man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour .
He pulled himself, painfully up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The Waitress asked kindly,"crushed nuts?".


"No Arthritis", He replied. .


_________________________________________________________________
(Pun Of The Day).
A Man rushed into a busy Doctors office and shouted,"Doctor! I think I'm Shrinking!".

The Doctor calmly responded,

"Now settle down, you'll just have to be a little patient". .

 

If A Brassiere is an Upper Decker Flopper Stopper,

And A Jock Strap is a Lower Decker Nacker Checker,

What Is A Japanese Playboy Whose Father Has Dysentery?

He's A Slap-Happy Jappy With A crap Happy Pappy. .

 

A Man and his ever nagging wife went on a vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there the Wife passed away
The Undertaker told the Husband,
"You can have her shipped home for £4000,or you can bury her here for £200".

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The Undertaker asked,
"Why would you spend £4000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £200?"

The Man Replied:

"Long Ago A Man Died Here!"

"And Three Days Later He Rose From The Dead,

"I Just Can't Take That Chance!"..

 

(Mobile Phone Etiquette).
After a very busy day, Peggy settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed London for the suburbs.
As the train rolled out the station one last passenger jumped on the train and got the last seat- right next to Peggy..

Naturally he pulled out his phone and started talking in a loud voice.
"Hi Sweetheart, its John-----I'm on the train--Yes I know it's the Six Thirty and not the Four Thirty,but I had a long meeting----No Honey,Not with that Floozie from the Accounts office,With the Boss----No sweetheart you're the only one in my life----Yes I'm sure, cross my heart,etc etc!".

It was Nauseating, and no matter how much Peggy glared at him, cleared her throat, or otherwise tried to express her disapproval over his rudeness, he completely ignored her.

Fifteen minutes later, she got an idea, she leaned in close to him and said in her most sensual,pouty voice aimed right at his phone::::::::

"Hey John, Sweetie! Turn Off That Stupid Phone And Come Back To Bed!".



John doesn't use his Phone in Public Any Longer.

 

I see that in Michigan, two people are being sued for $2 million after burning down an apartment complex while cooking a squirrel with a blowtorch.

Now I'm not an accountant, but it sounds like they might not have $2 million.

 

Recently a Teacher, a Garbage Collector, and a Lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.
St Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven they would each have to answer one question.
St Peter addressed the Teacher and asked,"What was the name of the Ship that crashed into an Iceberg? ,They have just made a Movie of it"
The Teacher answered quickly."That Would Be The Titanic".St Peter let him through the gate.

St Peter turned to the Garbage Man ,and figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the smells that this man would bring with him,decided to make the question a little harder:
"How Many People Died On The Ship?",
Fortunately for him, the Garbage Man had just seen the Movie and answered.
"About 1,500",
"That's Right!. You May Enter".








St Peter then turned to the Lawyer: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::: "NAME THEM!".

 

Tried in a Hostile Town, a man didn't think he had a chance of getting off a Murder Charge.
Shortly before the Jury retired he Bribed one of the Jurors to find him guilty of a lesser crime of Manslaughter.
The Jury was out for over three days before eventually returning a verdict of Manslaughter.

The Relieved Defendant collared the Bribed Juror and said,"Thanks ,How Ever Did You Manage It?".

"It Wasn't Easy," Admitted the Juror",



"All The Others Wanted To Acquit You!"...

 

A Very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time sat at the bar and ordered.

"Barbender, Barbender, I would like a Martoutsy", the bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
"Barbender, Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini.

By this time the Lady is leaning heavily forward barely able to hang on, she called :::
"Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn".

Patiently the Bartender came near her and said ," Lady, I'm not a Barbender, I'm a Bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally you do not have Heartburn, your T*** are hanging in the ashtray".

 

A Vicar meets the local Priest walking along the road.
"Not on your Bicycle today Father?" asks the Vicar.
"Unfortunately not, some Git has stolen it",he replied.

"Tell you what works for me whenever I have something nicked, at your sermon on Sunday preach the ten Commandments and when you come to,'Thou Shalt Not Steal' .
really lay it on thick".
The following Monday the Vicar sees the Priest on his bike.
"It Worked Then?" asks the Vicar.

"Not Exactly" replied the Priest.

"When it came to Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery I remembered where I'd left it!!"..

 

A Wealthy man decides after 20 years of married strife to have his wife murdered for the insurance.
He manages to contact a hit man and they agree that the best way is for the guy to shoot her with a Sniper Rifle while the husband is at work, when she steps onto the patio to use the swimming pool.
On the fateful day, the husband gets a phone call at work,
"The Jobs Done,My Friend!".
"Are you sure you got her?", says the husband.
"I'm sure alright- I shot her just below the left breast", comes the reply.

"WHAT!!!, You Idiot- I wanted a Murder",

"Not A Kneecapping!!!"..

 

Why were Hurricanes usually named after a Woman?.

Because when they arrive , they're Wet And Windy ,


But When They Go, They Take Your House And Car..

 

A Drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters the Confessional Booth,sits down,but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles,
"Ain't No Use Knockin",


"There's No Paper On This Side Either!!!!!"..

 

Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to
Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our
cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the
barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front
door.
Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another
ditzy blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very
confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and starts to walk
away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ......
'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'

 

'David Cameron stung by jellyfish'

"I felt the slimy spineless creature come into contact with me before feeling a sickening pain" said the jellyfish.