A Joke or Two... 2014

My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another. Luckily, I knew how to use the wife's tights to fix it.


I put them on my head and robbed Halfords

 

Just been snuggled up to my missus on the sofa, She whispered my ear that She wanted to marry me.

i shot through the door quicker than Oscar Pistorius.

 

A Man was Constipated,so he decided to go to the Doctor.

The Doctor examined him and explained.
"I'm going to give you some Suppositories, I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening"..
Later that evening the man asks his Wife to insert the Suppository,
she agrees reluctantly,then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the Suppository.

Suddenly, her Husband Shrieks::" Aahhhhhhhhhhh!",

"What's Wrong?, did I Hurt You?" she asks.

"NO------ I Just Realised That The Doctor Had *Both* His Hands On My Shoulders!!!!"..

 

Manchester united approached the manager of Dortmund Juergen Klopp asking him if he would be interested in the vacancy . He replied no thank you I am very happy here , but my brother Klippity would be interested.

 

I was accused of murder but I told my lawyer I was in a bookshop buying a copy of the Qur'an for £1.50 at the time.

He said that sounded like a pretty good Allah buy.

 

http://www.snotr.com/video/8965

 

(Man 1 ) ."Now My Grandfather, He new the exact day of the year that he was going to Die".

"It was the right year also, not only that he knew what time he would Die",

"and he was right about that too".

(Man 2 ) ."Wow, that's incredible, how did he know all that?".


(Man 1 ) . "A Judge Told Him!!".

 

A man asked a fairy
to make him desirable & irresistible to all women...
She turned him into a credit card.....

 

Lady Penelope comes home tipsy one night and Parker spots a glint in her eye.

"Parker," she says, "Take off my coat ".
"Yes me Lady"
"Parker, Take of my Blouse "
"Yes me Lady".
"Parker, Take off my Skirt",
"Yes me Lady",
"Parker, Take off my Pants",
"Yes me Lady",










"Parker:!! If I Catch You Wearing My Clothes Again, You're Fired!!!..

 

Cowboy:: "Give me three packets of Condoms Please",

Cashier:: "Do you need a paper bag with that sir?",















Cowboy:: "Nah------------She's Purty Good-Lookin"..

 

A Husband stepped on one of those Penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight, and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this",he said to his wife,showing her a small white card.
"It says I'm Energetic, Bright,Resourceful and a Great Lover".


"Yeah ", the wife nodded' "and it has got your weight wrong too".

 

An old tired looking dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house,down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch,an hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back,resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour,this continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:
"Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap".

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives at home with four children, he's trying to catch up on his sleep".
"can I come with him tomorrow?"..

 

Blonde Men- It Had To Happen Sooner Or Later-----Blonde Men!.

A Woman phoned her blonde neighbour man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having Sex,the whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday".
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday".
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A Blonde man shouts frantically into the phone,"My wife is Pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!".
"Is This Her First Child?" asks the doctor.
"NO", he shouts, This is her Husband".


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A Blonde man was driving home, Drunk as a Skunk.
Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another, then another.

A Cop pulls him over, so he tells the Cop about All the trees in the road, the Cop says :::

"That's your Air Freshener swinging about!",..

 

During my Physical,my doctor asked me about my daily activity level,so I described a typical day this way:

"Well Yesterday afternoon , I waded along the edge of a Lake, drank 4 beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy undergrowth,marched up and down several rocky hills,stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of a ditch, escaped being bitten by an aggressive grass snake and took four 'leeks' behind big trees".

Inspired by the story, the Doctor said," You sound like one hell of an outdoors man".




"No" I replied, "I'm just a Garbage Golfer"..

 

I bet no-one could last 1,000 seconds here!

http://games.usvsth3m.com/1000-seconds/