A Joke or Two... 2014

I see Saudi Arabia has a new website that allows citizens to send complaints directly to the king.

If needed, you can even submit a second complaint using your remaining hand.

 

Pregnant baby machine, and NHS nightmare Michelle Taylor has vowed to go on the pill after the birth of her latest child, her 36th.
Michelle 39, from Rotherham who now lives in 'Wentworth House', just outside the town, is missing her friends and family at the Rothwell Grange estate. Michelle and her short-term partner Billy, were given the former home of Earl Clifford Newbold as part of the governments controversial 'Welfare Reform Acts'.
Michelle and Billy now have a 70 acre estate to maintain.

Michelle said, 'I'm physically exhausted, cleaning out the duck pond, mowing the grounds is really hard work, especially since we don't have an extension lead", she continued "we have no help at all maintaining the house and land, we really could do with a groundkeeper and a servant or two".
Michelle, who's expecting her 36th child this summer, has 29 of her children picked up by a local coach company to take them to four separate schools around Lancashire, all courtesy of Rotherham city council. A council spokesman said, "This family is now responsible for 24% of our whole housing budget, something has to be done".
The family who can still be spotted doing their weekly shop at their local branch of Lidl, spend twenty times more than an 'average family' at the store. Branch deputy manager David Hullwick (19) said, "Quite frankly they keep this branch afloat".
Michelle who's had an average of two children a year (includes twins), by seven different fathers since the age of twelve admitted, "We cannot go on like this much longer, the strain is beginning to tell, this place has only got 46 bedrooms, and the west wing quite frankly is unusable, due to it's heritage status", she continued, "dusting and hoovering takes hours, and feeding the pack of hounds is very costly.
Michelle hopes to get back her old three-bedroomed council house in Rotherham, and sell most of her children to Romanian immigrants.

 

The Jewish honeymoon
Please excuse the four-letter words toward the end of the following story.
I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same..*
A young Jewish couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well", said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh mama", she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic"
... Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before in our home! I mean, all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home!" "PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah", her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out." 'Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: "DUST, WASH, IRON, and COOK..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes."

 

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency room when a young woman with Purple hair styled into a Punk Rocker Mohawk sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange clothing entered.

It was quickly determined that the Patient had acute appendicitis ,so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read::::: "Keep Off The Grass".
Once the surgery was completed the surgeon wrote a short note, which said,

"Sorry----------. Had to mow the Lawn". .

 

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd....566_246847642185318_5363407912078726817_n.jpg

 

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the
car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to
the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep
them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered
into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their
seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San
Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the
street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a
big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to
the blond.
What in the world are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to
take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over so now
we're going to Sea World."

 

A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen
minutes!"
The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."
The Priest said, "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word
with him."
"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group
ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?"
George the green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."
The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.
Then the Priest said,
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."
The Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate £350,000 to the Fire Brigade
Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."
And the Scotsman said,
"Why kin they no play at night?

 

COMPLETE vs. FINISHED
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the
difference
between these two words: “Complete” and “Finished..”
In a recently held linguistic competition held in London and attended
by
supposedly the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was
the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: How do you explain the difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people
say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer:
“When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the
wrong woman, you are FINISHED, and when the right one catches you with
the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!’
He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old
Scotch.

 

Congratulations to Conchita on winning the Eurovision Song Contest.

The last time an Austrian with amusing facial hair made such a big impression across Europe was in 1939.

 

There were gasps around the courtroom today as Oscar Pistorius was asked to read out the valentines card Reeva had given him.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Please do not shoot
I'm having a poo !!

 

Every day Francesca went to the Cemetery in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Enzo.
When she was finished she always walked backward when leaving the Grave.
One day her friend Bianca asked," Francesca why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?".
Francesca answered.

"When Enzo was alive he always told me,"You've got such a great ass ",
"It could bring a dead man back to life",
"So I'm not taking any chances!". .

 

A Man being interviewed for the post of a Commando in the army.

Interviewer,"We want a person with a suspicious mind, always alert, merciless,ready to attack,
acute sense of hearing, detective ability, and most importantly, having a KILLER INSTINCT!,

" So do you think you are Eligible?"



Man, "No Sir, But------------------------------------------"Can my wife Apply?"..

 

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing"
The 4 year old nods his head in approval,so the 7 year old says:

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first,then you swear after me".

"Ok" says the 4 year old, with Enthusiasm .
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"OH F*** Mum , I don't know, I suppose I'll have some CoCo Pops".

WHACK!!!!, he flew out of his chair, Tumbled across the Kitchen Floor,got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
"And What Do You Want For Breakfast Young Man?".

"I don't know ",he blubbers",
"But it wont be F*****G CoCo Pops!!!"..

 

Ann Talbot and Jean Harlowe were having a bitchy conversation which involved JH referring to AT by her name but pronouncing the final T. She replied in an instant saying " The T is silent, as in Harlowe..."