A Joke or Two... 2014

****** Medical Alert ******
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight
live longer than the men who mention it.......

 

LOV E IT
Jenny

****** BANKERS ******
A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Banker looks down in horror.

'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...

 

AUSSIE JOKE.

Whilst strolling along the side of Parramatta River this
morning I noticed a
Muslim extremist slip from the pier at Parramatta Ferry
Terminal and fall into the water .
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives
he was
carrying. If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Aussie, and abiding by the law of the land
that requires
you to help those in distress, I informed Parramatta Police,
the Immigration Office and even the SAS Rescue team.
It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and neither authority has
yet responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted three stamps.

 

Two women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says," I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job".

The second woman says, "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my as*h**e bleached!",

To which the first woman replies "Whoa I just cant picture your husband as a blonde!!"..

 

Husband calls his Wife::::.

(Husband). "Hi Honey, I was driving to Susan's place along the coast road and had a sudden puncture,the car skidded and rolled over, only a small tree kept me from sliding over a cliff and falling 500 feet.
"I managed to crawl out of the car only one second before the tree snapped and the car fell over the cliff".,

"I am now in Hospital with a broken arm, several broken ribs, a shattered kneecap and severe concussion".


(Wife). "Who is Susan?".

 

This girl on the bus was talking very loudly into the mobile glued to her ear.
"Excuse me," I said. "The whole bus doesn't want to hear your conversation."
"Chill out man," she replied. "I is jus' rappin' wiv me bro innit?"
I felt really guilty. If I'd known she had learning difficulties I wouldn't have mentioned it.

 

An Aussie Stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said,"we're on our Honeymoon and we need a nice room,with a good strong bed".
The Clerk winked, "you want the bridal?",
The Drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,


"Nah Cobber, I reckon not, I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it".


(Well He Was An Aussie Stockman).

 

Those scientists proclaiming graphene to be the thinnest black material ever developed have obviously never bought Aldi value bin liners.

 

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way
to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."

 

Colin was at home watching a football match when his wife Anne asked him "Honey, would you fix the light in the hall please, it's been flickering for weeks.now".

He looked at her and said, rather angrily "fix the light now? Can you see EON written on my forehead? I don't think so"

"Fine" was Anne's retort.

Then she asks Colin "Well then, will you fix the fridge door, it doesn't close properly"

To which he replied,"Fix the fridge door? Can you see Frigidair written on my forehead? I don't think so"

"Fine" she says, "then would you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break!"

"I'm not a carpenter and i don't want to fix steps" he says. Does it look as though I have Wickes written on my forehead?
I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub"!!!

So off he goes to the pub and stays there drinking for a couple of hours................after which he starts to feel guilty about how he had treated Anne and decides to go home.

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house he sees that the hall light is working.

As he goes to get a beer he notices that the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey" he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?"

She said "well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a nice cake.

Colin said "so what kind of cake did you bake him?"

Anne replied "Hellooooo..... can you see McVities written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

 

Some people argue that telling jokes about Chavs is as bad as racism.

Nonsense. Chavs aren't a race.

They're a subspecies!

 

Mrs Smith found her husband hanging in his bedroom this morning.
There was a note on his bed which read, 'I can't take the critism anymore '.

Mrs Smith quickly cut him down and managed to revive him.
As Mr Smith lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes,she said,


"That's Not How You Spell Criticism!".