A Joke or Two... 2014

(Thought For The Day )..

As I have grown older, I've noticed that pleasing everyone is impossible.


But Pi**ing everyone off is a piece of Cake...

 

A Burglar broke into a house one night.
He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables,when a voice in the dark said,
"Jesus Knows You're Here ".
He nearly jumped out of his skin,clicking his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the Stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus Is Watching You".

Startled, he shone his light around frantically,looking for the source of the voice,finally,in the corner of the room his flashlight beam came to rest on a Parrot.
"Did You Say That?", he hissed at the Parrot,
"Yes" the Parrot confessed, then squawked,"I'm just trying to warn you,he's watching you".

The burglar relaxed,"Warn me,Huh ?who in the world are you?",
"Moses" replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed,
"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

The Parrot replied:








"The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus".

 

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens Funeral a voice from inside screams. "I'm Not Dead, I'm Not Dead, I'm Not Dead!, Let Me Out!".

The Vicar smiles,leans forward ,sucking air through his teeth and mutters.

"Too F***ing late pal, I've already done all the paperwork"..

 

A Lawyer laying on his deathbed in his bedroom called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible.
Being a religious woman she thought this was a good idea,so she ran and got it.
As soon as she returned with the Bible ,the Lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right..

Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing honey?".

"I'm looking for Loopholes!", He Shouted..

 

An Englishman, Irishman,Welshman, Scotsman, were captured while fighting in a far off Foreign Land.
The leader of the captors said:"We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn,but first, you each can make a final wish".
The Scotsman says: I'd like to hear'The Flower Of Scotland' just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on the bagpipes in the style of'The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards' ".

The Irishman says: I'd like to hear 'Danny Boy 'just one more time to remind me of the auld country ,sung in the style of 'Daniel O'Donnell, with the 'Riverdance Dancers skipping gaily to the tune".

The Welshman says,"I'd like to hear'Men Of Harlech 'just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the 'Aberavon Male Voice Choir'".





The Englishman says: "I'd like to be shot first".

 

After buying 3 water cannons for the Metropolitan police, London mayor Boris Johnson has agreed to be blasted by them, to prove the 'safety and wisdom' of the purchase...

Now if only David Cameron would do the same with the Trident missile system.

 

"I don't really know my best position. Left, right or centre."

"Wayne, just get on the ******* plane and pick an aisle, will you?"

 

Subject: God creates man....
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said,
"Go over to the hill...."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the
hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained,
He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley,
across the river, and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God,
His patience wearing thin, said angrily,
"What is it now?"
And Adam said....
*
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"What's a headache?"

 

I saw an ad which said:
TV for sale, but it's stuck on full volume.
I thought, how can you turn that down?

 

Jumbos landing in cross winds.

 

What Deep Thinkers Men Are::::.
I mowed the lawn today,and after doing it I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said"Nothing",the reason I said that instead of saying,"Just Thinking" is because she would have said, "About What?",at that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions..
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?.
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking,I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting Kicked in the Nuts is more painful than having a Baby: and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving Birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another Child".

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say" You Know, I Think I Would Like Another Kick In The Nuts".

I Rest My Case, Time for another Beer. .

 

Me & my missus favourite sexual position is called the ''England football team'' ! . . .
Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there, there's no passion, no
communication & we never make it past the 1st stage. There's horrible dribbling & never a clean sheet. Its over far too quickly & when it does end I know it'll be at least
another four fuckin years before it happens again!

Rusty

 

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him..

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'

 

(Best Toast Of The Night Competition).

Irishman John O' Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the Pub for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife,Mary,
"I won the prize for the best toast of the night".
She said,"Aye, did ye now, and what was your toast?".
John said,"Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in the church beside me wife".
"Oh that is very nice indeed John", Mary said.


The next day Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night at the Pub with a toast about you Mary".
She said, "Aye he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself ",


"You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years",
"Once he fell asleep",
"And the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!".