A Joke or Two... 2014

Mary Had A Little Lamb,
Her Father Shot It Dead,
Now It Goes To School With Her,
Between Two Chunks Of Bread. .


Mary Had A Little Lamb
It Ran Into A Pylon,
10,000 Volts Went Up It's Bum,
And Turned It's Wool To Nylon..

 

How the hell did Jesus find guys named

Matthew,

Mark,

Luke,

John,

Peter,

James,

Andrew,

Phillip,

Thomas,

Bartholomew,

& Simon.

in the Middle East ???

What happened to Abdul, Hamid, Mohammed, Osama, Rashid, Saddam etc.?????

 

(Understanding Women).
(A Man's Perspective).

I know I'm never going to understand Women.
I'll Never understand how they can take Boiling hot wax,
Pour it onto their upper thighs ,
Rip the hair out by the root,
And still be afraid of a Spider..

 

A Prostitute told me I could have sex with her for the reduced price of £10,
as she didn't have a Womb.

Although intrigued, I asked how we would do it?


She said:::::: "Acwoss the Woad against those Wailings" .

 

**Sky Breaking news**

An Irish man who took Ryanair to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

 

A Female Dentist prepares the needle to give the man with toothache an Anaesthetic injection.
NO WAY!, NO NEEDLES, I HATE NEEDLES! The guy said.

So the Dentist starts to hook up her Nitrous Oxide Gas, and the man objects again.

"I CAN'T DO THE GAS THING EITHER,THE THOUGHT OF HAVING THE GAS MASK ON MY FACE MAKES ME FAINT".

She then asks the guy if he has any objections to taking a pill.
"No objections", the patient says ," I'm fine with pills".

When she returns she says, "Here's a Viagra and a glass of water".
The guy says "WOW!, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!",

"It doesn't ", she said.

"But it will give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out"..

 

Imigration fear

Well it's January the 20th and I must admit to not yet seeing a single Bulgarian......













But in all fairness, I have only been in Bulgaria for three days.

Jack Mch

 

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a barstool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are
blind, that you should know five things...

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that
blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

"Well no! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

Two Old Ladies were sitting on a Park Bench outside the local Town Hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said,
"Life is so boring,we never have any fun anymore, for £5 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!".

You're on!", said the other old lady, holding a £5 note.
The first old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside her friend soon heard a Huge commotion inside the hall,followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What Happened?" asked her waiting friend..


"I Won First Prize as 'Best Dried Arrangement'"...

 

A Little Old Lady's phone rings late one night, and she answers it, "HELLO".

A deep voice on the other end says.
"I know you!",
"You would like me to put you down on the bed and tear all your clothes off. lick your body all over and make love to you".

The Old Lady looks at the Phone , Blushing and in Amazement replies :::

"It's Amazing Nowadays" ,

"How Can They Tell All This From A Simple, "HELLO". .

 

I Feel My Body Has Got Totally Out Of Shape..

I Got my Doctors Permission to join a Fitness Club and start exercising.

I Decided to take an aerobics class for Seniors..

I Bent, Twisted, Gyrated, Jumped up and down and perspired for an Hour..











By The Time I Got My Leotards on, The class was Over.. .

 

The Newly wed wife said to her husband ,when he returned from work.
"I have great news for you",
"Pretty soon, we are going to be three in this house instead of two".

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his Wife when she said::::::.


"I'm Glad you feel this way, because tomorrow morning",


"My Mother Moves In With Us !!!!!!!!!" .

 

David Moyes has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year...even if he has to write the song himself .

Rusty

 

I woke this morning and instinctive knew something was wrong. I dashed downstairs to find the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing. I panicked, not knowing what to do. Then I remembered, Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

Rusty