A Joke or Two... 2014

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE
A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's
definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have
announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
explaining they were not a dating agency.

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to
end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just
a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins
of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm
wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is
going
to shift this beer belly.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put
a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

 

A Jewish man and his wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,gives the husband a long open mouthed kiss and says to him,"I'll see you later".

"Who The Hell Was That?" says the wife.

"That Was My Mistress", says the husband.

"I Want A Divorce , this is the last straw, I'VE HAD ENOUGH!". says the wife.

The husband says, "All right! you'll get your divorce,but just remember this: There will be no more winters in Barbados, No more Summers in Tuscany,No more shopping trips to Paris,
No more Mercedes in the garage,and no more Yacht club etc, etc, etc.,
"But the decision is yours!".

Just then a friend of the husband enters the Restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's That Woman With Moishe?," says the wife.

"That's his Mistress," says the husband.


"Ours is much Prettier", says the Wife..

 

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,
"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


Don't you just love lawyers?

 

Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.

Q What's the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What's the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come
from.

Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common
with Michael
Jackson?
A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the English Cricket Team?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q. What's the difference between the English Cricket Team and a funeral
director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

 

A THOUGHTFUL SCOTTISH HUSBAND

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the
pub?

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ' Maggie put your
hat and coat on,
lassie.

She replied, ' Awe Jock that 's nice - are you taking me tae the pub
with you?

Nay, Jock replied I'm switching the heat off while I'm out.

 

You have to smile.

 

An Afghanistan Diplomat.

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined
and dined by the State Department.

The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,
cheeses,
salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to
fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water,
but then came the time when he returned empty handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the
diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.

"But a man is sitting on the well!"

 

2 guys in their mid-twenties were sitting at a bar. One of the guys says to
his friend, man you look tired.

The friend says, dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the
time. I just don't know what to do.

A fellow about my age sitting a couple of stools down had over-heard the
conversation, looked over at the two young men and says: Marry her. That'll
put a stop to that!

 

Two Nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a car load of rowdy young lads pull up alongside.

"OI,, Get Your Breasts Out You Penguins!" shouts one of the lads.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata,

"I Don't Think They Know Who We Are, Show Them Your Cross".

So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts,



"F***K Off You Little Tossers ,Before I Come Over There And Rip Your B*lls Off!".

She then turns to the Rev Mother.


"There , Was That Cross Enough Mother Superior?????". . .

 

(THE HAIRCUT).
One day a Florist went to a Barber for a Haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill and the Barber said,
"I cannot accept money from you,I'm doing Community service this week".
The Florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the Barber went to open his shop the next morning there was a 'Thank You' card and a dozen Roses waiting for him at his door.
Later a Cop comes in for a Haircut and when he tries to pay the Barber again replied,"I cannot accept money from you I'm doing community service this week".the Cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the Barber went to open up,there was a 'thank you' note and a Dozen Doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then an MP came in for a Haircut, and when he went to pay his bill the Barber again replied,
"I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing Community Service this week ",the MP was very happy and left the shop.

The Next morning when the Barber went to open up,
There were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a Free Haircut..

And That My Friends Illustrates The Fundamental Difference between the Citizens of our Country and the Politicians Who Run It.


BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN,

AND FOR THE SAME REASON!!!! ...







(I Am Now Away To Lay Down In A Dark Room). Music..

 

Underground signs.


http://imgur.com/a/lUWTG

 

@kindredspirit .....it's not coming up

 

Should be working now, Loli.

I particularly like the one about gravy on the driver's sausages.

 

A Travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The Agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop.

"I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday,so I'm sending you off to a fabulous Resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer".

He took them inside and asked his Secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel, then as expected, they gladly accepted and were off !!!..

About a month later the little old lady came into his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?", he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely", she said.
"I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me ".








"Who was that old booger I had to share the room with ? "..