A Joke or Two... 2014

A Man entered a crowded restaurant and was obliged to share a table with a stranger.
The Man ordered his dinner, a nice juicy steak.
When it was served he burrowed into his pockets,looking for something.
Looking at the stranger he exclaimed,"Oh dear! I have forgotten my dentures".

To his surprise the stranger dived into his bag and produced a set of dentures and said:
"Let me help you, try these".
The man tried them but they did not fit too well,so the stranger produced another set and then another,which fitted perfectly..
"Doctor", said the man, "I've always been troubled with my dentures, but this set fit me perfectly , may I have your name and address, as I would like to consult you Professionally".

The Stranger sadly shook his head, and said:

"I'm Not A Doctor",








"I'm An Undertaker"..

 

. (APPLE DOES IT AGAIN).

Apple announced today it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music!..

The Itit will cost from £500-£700, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a Major social breakthrough,because for generations women have been complaining about men:

Staring at their T*** and not listening.

 

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.They were standing at the stern of the ship watching the storm,when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find him,so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship it read:

"Ma'am , sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean",
"We hauled him up to the deck, and attached to his butt was an Oyster,and in it was a pearl worth £50,000, please advise".






The old woman faxed back: " Send me the Pearl and Re-Bait The Trap"...

 

A Male patient is lying in bed in the Hospital,wearing an Oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse" he mumbles from behind the mask,"Are My Testicles Black?".
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,"I don't know sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet".

He struggles to ask again.

"Nurse please check for me, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown,holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says,"There's nothing wrong with them sir, they look fine".

The Man Slowly pulls off his Oxygen Mask, smiles at her,and says very slowly,
"Thank You Very Much, That Was Wonderful, Now listen Very Very Closely,









"Are- My- Test- Results-Back ?"..

 

I came home from work today to see my Wife stood in the garden whilst firemen put out the flames in our kitchen.

I said to my wife,"Why Didn't You Ring Me?"


"What Could You Have Done? she asked.

I Replied,


"Well I could have gone to the Red Lion and got a Bite To Eat There".

 

A young woman walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a pub. He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.

"You lying toad" she yells" last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"

"No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team"

 

Love It F.C..Being a Glaswegian I can Appreciate this Humour ...

 

A Recent study was made to find out what days Men prefer to have Sex!.

It was found that Men preferred to engage in sexual activity on days that started with 'T'.

Tuesday,
Thursday,
Thanksgiving,
Tomorrow,
Thaturday,
Thunday!. .

 

A Worried Father confronted his Daughter one night..

"I Don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and bloody stupid with it !".

" Oh No Daddy", the Daughter replied,

"Fred's so clever ".

"We've only been going out Nine Weeks and he's cured me of that illness",





"I Used To Get Once A Month".

 

My wife, children and I have been sitting upstairs in our Somerset home, totally cut off from the outside world, with the downstairs flooded for the last five weeks.
Today the Red Cross pulled up outside in a boat.
"Thank God!" I shouted "Have you come to save us?"

"No," They replied "We're collecting donations for Syria"

 

Rednecks.

 

A Little Man walked into a bar and slipped on a pile of Dog crap,by the door.

Moments later a Big Bikie came in and slipped on it as well.

The little man said:

"I Just Did That"

And The Big Bikie Hit Him..

 

. (GOOD MEDICAL ADVICE FROM THE JEWISH SAGES OF OLD)..

(1) F***ing once a week is good for your health, but harmful if done every day.

(2)F***ing relaxes your mind and your body.

(3)F***ing refreshes you.

(4) After F***ing, do not eat too much, go more for liquids.

(5) Try F***ing in bed, cause it can save you valuable energy.

(6) F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.

so remember:

FASTING, is Good for your health..



(ADD ON) And get your mind out of the Gutter.