A Joke or Two... 2014

A wife says to her husband, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"

He says, "I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," she replies, "I won £12 , here's £6 - now p*ss off!"

 

I Saw a man with a Bumper Sticker saying:" I am a Vet, therefore I drive like an animal".

Suddenly I realised how many Gynaecologists there are on the roads!!!!..

 

A Woman went to the Doctor and told him:


"Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm".


"Hmmmmm, What are you taking for it?", said the Doctor.



"Pepper, " said the woman..

 

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties ,while sitting at a Bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy,
"Man You Look Tired".
His buddy says, "Dude I'm Exhausted, my girlfriend and I have Sex all the time, I just don't know what to do".

A man about 70 years old ,sitting a couple of stools down had also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says".

"Marry Her, That will put a stop to all that Sh*t "..

 

It's no wonder David Cameron doesn't want Scotland to leave the United Kingdom.

At this rate Scotland will be the only place above the flood line.

 

A Scottish Couple took in an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath,but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath,
although if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night when my husband goes out to the darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her,so she said,"next Monday when you go to the darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden , I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself".

The following Monday ,while the girl again got undressed,the wife asked,"Do you shave?",
"NO" replied the girl,"I've never grown any hair down there".

"Do you have any hair?", said the girl.
"Oh Yes", said the woman, and pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was generously endowed in that department, very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night when the husband came in ,the wife asked him,"Did You See It?".

"Yes", he said, "But why the hell did you have to show her yours?".

"Why ever are you worried about that,? You've seen it often enough before?"








The Husband says : " I Know, But The Darts Team Hadn't !". .

 

THE AFGHAN FOOTBALLER

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghan play football.
He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes
left. The manager gives the young Afghan striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won.

Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'

'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day … Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle.

Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum. 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place'

 

Valentine.

 

Congratulations to Lizzy Yarnold for winning Gold in the Winter Olympics. The expert coaching provided by David Beckham on how to ride the skeleton was invaluable!

 

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
Today you voted.

 

The brain of one monkey has been used to control the movements of another monkey, US scientists report.

In the UK we just call that peer pressure between Chavs.

 

A 5 th Grader asked Her Mother the Age Old Question, "How Did I Get Here?".

Her Mother told her ," God Sent You".
"Did God Send You Too?, asked the child.
"Yes Dear"The mother replied.

"What about Grandma and Grand dad ?" The Child Persisted.
"He sent them also",the mother said.

"Did he send their parents Too ?" asked the child.,
"Yes Dear ,he did,"said the Mother patiently.

"So your telling me that there has been NO SEX in this Family for 200 YEARS?.


"No Wonder Everyone's So Damn Grouchy Around Here"!!!!! .

 

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,



"I outlived the b **astards."