A Joke or Two... 2014

A Mother Superior called all of the Nuns Together,and said to them:
"I must tell you all something",

"We Have A Case Of Gonorrhea In The Convent !.".

"Thank God" says an Elderly Nun at the back of the Chapel,

"I'm Sick Of That Chardonnay ",

"I'll Have A Glass"..

 

Billy was at school this morning in the English countryside and the
teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the
typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good,
he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He plays for Man United but I was just too embarrassed to say."

 

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A Few Words From Mahatma Gandhi..

"Peace Brothers".

"It's only when you see Mosquito's landing on your Testicles",


"That you realise that there is always a way to solve problems",



"Without using violence".


Dhanyavaad .

 

When someone is murdered, the police always investigate the spouse first.

And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

 

After Retiring, I went to the Social Security Office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my drivers Licence to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt", so I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said,"That silver hair on your Chest is proof enough for me", as she processed my Social Security Application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security Office.

She said," You should have dropped your pants!!!".







"You might have gotten Disability too".
.

 

Yesterday my daughter-in-law again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favourite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the old folks centre and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when she came over yesterday I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week," I told her. She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

 

(TO A WIFE A HUSBAND IS LIKE A PACK OF CARDS. ).


She Needs A Heart To Love Him

She Needs A Diamond To Marry Him.


She Needs A Club To Keep Him In Line.



She Needs A Spade To Bury Him.

.

 

Paddy Murphy and Michael O'Connor are at the Galway races. Michael whispers to Paddy next to him "Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No thanks, I've only got a small garden."

 

A Cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab and notices the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he's staring, he replies,"I have a question to ask you,but I don't want to offend you".
The Nun answers," My son you cannot offend me,when you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything, I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive".


The Cabbie say's "Well I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me".
She responds, "Well let's see what we can do about that",
"1st , You have to be Single, 2nd, You must be Catholic".

The Cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic".

"Ok", the Nun says," pull into the next alley".

The Nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

When they got back on the road, the Cab driver starts crying.

"My child ,why are you crying?" asks the Nun,
The cab driver said: "I've sinned forgive me,I lied I must confess",
"I'm Married and I'm Jewish".


The Nun replied:







"That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party". .

 

To commemorate World War One in 2014:

The French - Are erecting a statue in each village

The Germans - Are lowering their flags each day

The British - Are having a season of programmes on the BBC

The Russians - Cordially invite you to World War 3 commencing in the Ukraine

 

How to berth a cruise ship.