A Joke or Two... 2014

Subject: The Film Test
This is pretty amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of
the Lost Ark".
I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the
film list till you have done the maths!
Try this test and find out which film is your favourite. This
amazing maths quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would
enjoy the most.
Don't ask me how, but it really works!
Film Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite
film in the list of 18 movies below.
Film List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Sheep
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
Now, ain't that something.....?

 

Paddy and Mick were
walking along a street in London ....
Paddy looked in one of the shop
windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits
£5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair"....
Paddy said
to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those
and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go
in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear
our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to
screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."
"Roight y'are Paddy,
I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll
take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of
trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so
I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland ,
aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."

 

So anyway, I'm behind this prick who can't fecking drive. Weaving all over
the place and hasn't got a fecking clue.
I'm roaring, "You fecking Paki illegitimate child, learn to drive!! And while you're
at it, why don't you feck off back to your own country, you smelly prick..
You know what the cheeky illegitimate child did? He stopped and said, "Get out of my
taxi!"

 

Two Crocodiles were sitting at side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said," I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me, we're the same age,we were the same size as kids,I just don't get it".

"Well", said the Big Crocodile "What have you been eating?".
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Crocodile.

"Hmm, well where do you catch them?"asked the big Crocodile,
"Down the other side of the Lake, near the parking lot by the Parliament House",said the Small Crocodile .

"Same Here, Hmmm, How did you catch them?" asked the big Crocodile.

"Well I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door, then I jump out, grab them by the leg.shake the sh*t out of them and eat them".


" AH!" says the big Crocodile," I think I see your problem, you're not getting any real nourishment, see by the time you finish shaking the Sh*t out of a Politician",



"There's Nothing Left But An Rsole And A Briefcase"..

 

I was Sexy-Dancing in front of a young lady I was trying to pull in a Club.
I could see she was giving me the eye as I bust out some of my Best Moves.
Eventually she came over,
She whispered,"Thanks to you my Knickers are wet!".

I said," Oh Really", as I threw in a few more moves to impress further.

She said," Yeah, Me and my mates have just been Pi**ing ourselves watching you dance "..
.

 

(Paddy Was In New York).
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,"Okay, Pedestrians",
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times,and Paddy still stood on the side walk.


After the cop had shouted,"Pedestrians!" for the tenth time,Paddy went over to him and said,


"Is It Not About Time Ye Let The Catholics Across?"..

 

There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman...

It used to be a Scotsman, but he wants to go it alone so sod him!

 

Putin persecutes homosexuals in his own country,
then goes and enters another country through the back door.

Very mixed messages from Russia.

 

(A Few Words From Confucius An Ancient Philosopher From The Tang Dynasty 479 BC)..

"If You Are Insane",


"And You Know You Are Insane",


"Then You're Not As Insane As You Think You Are" .

 

My Wife was surprised when I gave her a very expensive necklace for our Anniversary.


"Were you sober when you bought this?", she asked with a smile..


"I've made a lot of mistakes since we got married," I confessed.


"But being sober isn't one of them". .

 

A rubbish bin driver is driving along a Sydney street picking up wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish lorry.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets
out of his lorry, goes to the front
door and knocks.
There's no answer. Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the driver.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still
perplexed.
"Listen," says the driver. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the driver's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"

 

Have you heard of the Australian Dicken's Cider. Here's an ad for it.

 

Men are assaulted on the beach.

 

"My sister was ringing up about a child minders job when the women asked her had she any experience she said "Yeh I've been minding a 18 month old baby for the last 2 years." When she realised what she said, she hung up."