A Joke or Two... 2014

YL1: "Dey never clean dese trams!"
YL2: "Yeah"
YL1: "Sure just look at dat paper over der! How long d'ya reckon it's been der? Look a' da colour of it!"

She was pointing to a discarded copy of the Financial Times.

 

A friend of my dads was going on holiday and wanted to buy some clip on sunglasses to attach to his specs. He went into a chemist and asked the girl behind the counter if they sold any.
"Fraddles?" asked the shop assistant.
"Yeah Fraddles, is that what they’re called? I’ll have a pair of Fraddles please."
"No!" said the shop assistant, "Do you want them FOR ADULTS or Children?!"

 

Overhead in a supermarket. Mother giving out to misbehaving child, "Be good or I'll buy extra Broccoli".

 

I Was in a Pub last Saturday Night, when this really brutally ugly Girl came up to me and squeezed my privates and said, "Give me your number, Sexy".

I replied,"Have you got a pen?"
she smiled and said, "Yes".
I replied:













"Well you better get back to it before the Farmer notices you're missing".

 

(Teacher asks the kids in Class),

"What do you want to be when you grow up?".

"Little Johnny",

"I want to be a Billionaire,going to the most expensive Clubs,take the best girl with me,give her a Ferrari, an Apartment in Copacabana,a mansion in Paris, a Private Jet, an Infinite VISA CARD, and make Love to her three times a day."

The Teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with the bad behaviour of the child. decides not to give importance to what he said and just continues the lesson.

"And You Susie ,what do you want to be when you grow up?".



"I Want To Be Johnny's Girl", replied Susie..

 

There was a little misunderstanding at the store today.

Apparently when the clerk said 'strip down facing me', she was referring to my credit card.

Rusty

 

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the
faster it goes.

 

An old Man and Woman were married for many years.
Whenever there was confrontation yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout,"When I Die, I will dig my way up and out of the Grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!".

Neighbours feared him and the old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief he died of a heart attack when he was 98 years old.
His wife had a closed casket at his Funeral.
After the burial her neighbour's concerned for her safety asked:

"Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and Haunt you for the rest of your life?".

The Wife Said:


"Let him dig, I had him buried upside down",


"And I Know He Won't Ask For Directions"..

 

"Show me your feminine side," my wife said to me today.

"Okay," I replied and walked out the door.

When I returned 45 minutes later, she moaned, "Where have you been?"

"I was parking the car."

Rusty

 

The stunning blonde, dressed in nothing more than a thong and negligee, let the plumber in.

"Hello, is your husband not in?" he asked,

"Does it look like he is in?" she replied, opening her negligee. "Will I not do?"

"No, not really," he said. "I need your car reversing off of the drive."

Rusty

 

My girlfriend called me last night and said very quietly," there's a man following me"..

"How do you know he's following you?" I asked.

She said,"he was walking behind me in the shopping Centre for about twenty minutes,which I thought was strange,then as I sat down, he sat on the seat beside me, he's still sitting here now!".

"I'm sure it's just a coincidence, " I said,
"If he carries on then go to the car park, get into your car and drive away".









She Said, " I'm In The Blooooody Car"..

 

Two Old Men were talking.

"So Hows Your Sex Life?".

"Oh Nothing Special, I'm Having Pension Sex".

"Pension Sex ?",

"Yeah ,You Know",

"I Get A Little Each Month",

"But Not Enough To Live On!"..