A Joke or Two... 2014

A Very Proper man started going into the neighbourhood Drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of Condoms.
Week after Week he would come in for the same order.
One day the chemist felt he had to say something to the man.

"WOW, you must have the stamina of a Bull! how on earth do you use that many Condoms a week?"

The man looked at the chemist in disgust and said: " I beg your Pardon,but I find the whole Idea of Sex Repulsive"!!!.

"Then what do you do with all those Condoms?" the chemist asked,

the Gentleman answered:


"I Feed Them To My Poodle, and Now She Poops In Little Plastic Bags"..

 

"A sharp decline in the number of mating owls has been blamed on the exceptionally wet winter"

I guess it's too wet to woo.

 

(Child Birth At 65).
With all the New Technology regarding Fertility recently a 65 year old friend of mine was able to give Birth.
When she was discharged from the Hospital and went home,I went to visit her.

"May I see the new baby?", I asked.
"Not yet" she said,"I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first"

Thirty Minutes Passed and again I asked,"May I now see the Baby?"
"No Not Yet" she replied.
After about 20 minutes further elapsed I asked once more"May I now see the Baby?".

"No ,Not Yet", my friend replied again.
Growing Very Impatient ,I asked my friend,"well when can I see the Baby?".

"WHEN HE CRIES" she told me.
"WHEN HE CRIES?",I Demanded,
"WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL HE CRIES?"



"BECAUSE I HAVE FORGOTTEN WHERE I PUT HIM, OK !!!!!!!!!..

 

(Why Do Men Wear Earrings).
I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co -worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense'.

The man walks up to him and says,"I didn't know you were into Earrings".

"Don't make such a big deal, It's only an earring", he replied sheepishly.

His Friend falls silent for a few minutes but then his curiosity prods him to say,
"So How Long Have You Been Wearing One?"





"Ever Since My Wife Found It In My Car" says the Man.

 

Two Ladies chatting in the street.
Across the road a well dressed handsome man walks past and one of the Ladies says:

"O-LOOK, that's that nice Mr Roberts, doesn't HE dress nicely?".

"Yes", says the other--------"And Ever So Quickly".

 

Two Girls Share A Flat.

One says to the other she's worried about her small breasts and says she wishes she could do something to make them Bigger.

The other suggests she gets some Tissues and wipes between her breasts with them.
The Girl asks- "Will That Make Them Bigger ?".






The other says: " Worked For You Bum!!!"..

 

(Glaswegian Wedding).

Two Glaswegians ,Archie and Jimmy are sitting in the Pub discussing Jimmy's Wedding.

"Och, its gawn Pure Dead Brilliant", says Jimmy.
"Uve goat everythin organised awready, the Fluers, the Church,The Caurs,The Reception,The Rings, The Minster, Ma Stag Night".
Archie nods approvingly.

Uve even bought a Kilt to be Merried in!", continues Jimmy.

"A Kilt", exclaims Archie,"that's pure dead magic, Yull Look Smart in that,what's the Tartin?".





"Och" says Jimmy , "she'll Be In White". .

 

A Woman gets into a lift in a very expensive hotel and hits the button for her floor.
A few seconds later the lift stops at the next floor and an elegant woman walks in.
The first woman sniffs, and the elegant says in a Posh Voice,"Chanel number 5 ,£100 a bottle.

The Lift stops at the next floor and another elegant woman walks in.
The first woman sniffs, and the other elegant woman,in her Posh Voice," Jean Paul Gaultier, £150 a bottle .

The Lift stops at the next floor,another elegant woman walks in.
The first woman sniffs again, In a Posh Voice the third elegant woman remarks, Nina Ricci,£250 a bottle.


The Lift stops at the First woman's floor , just as she is about to walk out,

she breaks wind, turns round and says , Tesco's Sprouts, 76p A Pound..

 

A Man was seen sat on the kerb crying.
Another man went up to him and asked what the problem was,the crying man replied:
"I've just came from the Doctors, and he's put me on these Pills that I have to take every day for the rest of my life.
"Oh that's nothing to cry about,there's thousands of people who have to take pills for the rest of their lives."

"You Don't Understand,"

"He's only given me three".

 

A Woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone and approached him and said," Hello My Name Is Carmen".

"That's A Beautiful name", he replied,"Is it a family name?".

"No" she replied,"I gave it to myself, it reflects the things I like most in the world-Cars+Men,
"What's Your Name", she asked.

He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf. .

 

A Farmer drove to a neighbours farmhouse and knocked on his door. A boy about 9 years old opened the door.
"Is your dad or mum home?" asked the farmer
"No sir they went to town" said the boy.
"How about your brother Howard, is he here?".
"No sir ,he went with mum and dad",said the boy.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Please Sir, I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one,or I can give dad a message"
said the boy trying his best to be helpful.

"Well" said the farmer uncomfortably, I really wanted to talk to your dad".
"It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy Pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment and then said:
"I know he charges £250 For the Bull and £50 for the Pig"





"But I don't know how much he charges for Howard".

 

I asked the bookshop owner for the new book by Nick Clegg.

"I think I've sold out," he replied.

I said "that's the one."

 

My husband bought a tyre in 1999, he made 600 condoms out of it.........it was a good year !!

 

A Young boy went to a Horse Auction with his father.
He watched his father move from Horse to Horse,running his hands up and down the horses rump and chest.

After a few minutes the boy asked, "Dad Why Are You Doing That?".
His father replied,"Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I Buy".


The Boy looking worried, said,



"Dad I think The Postman Wants To Buy Mum".