A Joke or Two... 2015

Wife Texts Husband on a cold winters morning,
"Windows Frozen, Wont Open".
Husband Texts Back,

"Gently Pour Some Luke Warm Water Over It And Gently Tap Edges With Hammer",
Wife Texts Back Five Minutes Later:



"Computer Really Messed Up Now"..

 

While ordering a packet of biscuits from Waitrose online recently,
I noticed that I needed to spend £75 to get free delivery.

So I ordered a second pack.

 

The inventor of throat lozenges has died.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

 

If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they'll have disappeared...

 

Me and the wife were sat watching a documentary about plastic surgery earlier..

"Oo, I'd love a bit of that." She said, dreamily.

"It'd be great to step out with a different shaped nose."

So I've swapped the door mat for a rake!

 

(When I Say I'm Broke, I'm Broke)..

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a Vacuum Cleaner.
"Good Morning," said the young man, "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time,I would demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners".

"Go Away!" said the old lady, "I'm broke and I haven't got any money!", and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open----.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said, "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration".
And with that he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam. I will personally eat the remainder".
The old lady stepped back and said------,

"Well let me get you a knife and fork",
"Cause they cut off my Electricity This Morning". .

 

The Balloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted:'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.
The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.
'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.
'The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my bloody fault.'

 

I'm 73 and yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a
prostate exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because
all of my friends have either gone under the knife or had
those pellets implanted. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the
receptionist was a very large, extremely unfriendly woman
who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my
name. Then, in a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the people in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at
me, a now very embarrassed man. But, as usual, I quickly
recovered and, in an equally loud voice, replied:

"NO, I HAVE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR WHO DID YOURS."

The entire room erupted in applause!!

NEVER, EVER MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!

 

Gone are the days when Girls used to cook like their Mother,

Now they drink like their Father.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?,

That's common sense leaving your body.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.
"Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers",

"If you find one, what's your plan?".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

 

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot has had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately."Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions.The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!". He began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"



Aircraft: “The moo poo in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”

 

Today's short reading from the Bible-------From Genesis.

'And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all the corners of the earth'.--------.

Then He made the Earth round,



And then he Laughed and Laughed and Laughed. .

 

A worried man goes to the doctor and, in earnest, says "Doctor - please help me! I keep thinking I am being ganged up on."

Doctor replies "Wait.....hey lads - he's in here!"

 

SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA$$IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA$$IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

 

We should've sent London Underground staff to represent us in the Cricket World Cup.

They've got an excellent strike rate.