A joke or two.... 2021

Discussion in 'The Muppet Show' started by Fat Controller, Jan 7, 2021.

  1. gks

    gks Total Gardener

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    • Sheal

      Sheal Total Gardener

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      • shiney

        shiney President, Grumpy Old Men's Club Staff Member

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        An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

        He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000."

        Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

        Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

        Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

        Dr. Young: "Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"

        Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.00."

        Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

        Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

        Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

        Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"

        Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

        Dr. Young (having lost $1,000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

        Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"

        Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1,000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

        Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

        Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."


        Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

        Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

        ENJOY YOUR DAY!

        P.S. This is written in bold for old Geezers.
         
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        • gks

          gks Total Gardener

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          • gks

            gks Total Gardener

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            • CanadianLori

              CanadianLori Total Gardener

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              • CanadianLori

                CanadianLori Total Gardener

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                • Fat Controller

                  Fat Controller 'Cuddly' Scottish Admin! Staff Member

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                  • Fat Controller

                    Fat Controller 'Cuddly' Scottish Admin! Staff Member

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                    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
                    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
                    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
                    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
                    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
                    _______________________________
                    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
                    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
                    ____________________________________________
                    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
                    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
                    ____________________________________________
                    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
                    WITNESS: July 18th.
                    ATTORNEY: What year?
                    WITNESS: Every year.
                    _____________________________________
                    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
                    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
                    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
                    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
                    _________________________________
                    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
                    WITNESS: Yes.
                    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
                    WITNESS: I forget..
                    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
                    ___________________________________________
                    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
                    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
                    ____________________________________
                    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
                    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
                    ___________________________________________
                    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
                    WITNESS: Are you moo poo'er me?
                    _________________________________________
                    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
                    WITNESS: Yes.
                    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
                    WITNESS: Getting laid
                    ____________________________________________
                    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
                    WITNESS: Yes.
                    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
                    WITNESS: None.
                    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
                    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
                    ____________________________________________
                    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
                    WITNESS: By death..
                    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
                    WITNESS: Take a guess.
                    ___________________________________________
                    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
                    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
                    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
                    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
                    _____________________________________
                    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
                    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
                    ______________________________________
                    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
                    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
                    _________________________________________
                    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
                    WITNESS: Oral...
                    _________________________________________
                    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
                    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
                    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
                    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
                    ____________________________________________
                    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
                    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
                    ______________________________________
                    And last:
                    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
                    WITNESS: No.
                    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
                    WITNESS: No.
                    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
                    WITNESS: No..
                    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
                    WITNESS: No.
                    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
                    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
                    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
                    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.




                     
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                    • Fat Controller

                      Fat Controller 'Cuddly' Scottish Admin! Staff Member

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                      These Should Be In The Dictionary
                      ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
                      BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
                      CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
                      COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
                      DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
                      EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
                      HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
                      INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
                      MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
                      RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.
                      SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
                      SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
                       
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                      • gks

                        gks Total Gardener

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                        • gks

                          gks Total Gardener

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                          • pete

                            pete Growing a bit of this and a bit of that....

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                            • shiney

                              shiney President, Grumpy Old Men's Club Staff Member

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                              Sorry, I don't click on any links to Bookface :noidea:
                               
                            • pete

                              pete Growing a bit of this and a bit of that....

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                              Well go back to the grumpy old man's thread then. :roflol:
                               
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