A Joke Or Two 2025

A new Caithness priest was so nervous at his first Mass that he could barely speak.

Before his second Mass, he rang and asked the Monsignor for advice.

The Monsignor said,

“Before next Sunday’s service, put a little vodka in the water pitcher, after a few sips, you’ll relax.”

The next Sunday, the new priest tried it, and sure enough, he felt great, spoke confidently, and everything seemed to go smoothly.

But when he returned to the rectory, he found a message from the Monsignor:

1. Next time, sip—don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. We do NOT refer to the cross as “the Big T.”

5. The proper blessing before a meal is NOT: “Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.”

6. We do not refer to our Savior and His apostles as “J.C. and the boys.”

7. David slew Goliath. He did NOT “kick the stuffing out of him.”

8. It is always “the Virgin Mary,” not “Mary with the Cherry.”

9. During Communion, it is never appropriate to say, “Cheers!”

10. And finally: the church has a taffy-pulling contest on Wednesday at St. Peter’s. As far as I know… there is no St. Taffy’s.”

 

Good shout, but even he doesn't remember Barry the Brown Nosed Reindeer... (just as fast as Rudolph, but his brakes aren't quite as good )

 

I went to the hairdresser earlier on and asked them what cut would make me look more attractive.

I think their answer of 'a power cut' is a tad harsh...

 

Fred from Castletown had been suffering from terrible headaches for over twenty years.

Finally, he went to see a specialist in Raigmore . After a long examination, the doctor said:

“Fred, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is… it will require castration.
You have a rare condition where your testicles press against your spine, causing severe headaches. Removing them is the only way to relieve the pressure.”

Fred was stunned and devastated, but after years of pain, he agreed to the surgery.

When he left the hospital, he felt strange and incomplete — but for the first time in decades, he had no headache.

As he walked down the street, he decided he needed a fresh start. A new life. Maybe even a new wardrobe.

He passed a men’s clothing store and thought, Why not?

He walked in and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor looked him over and said, “You’re a size 44 long.”

Fred laughed. “That’s right. How did you know?”

“Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor said.

Fred tried on the suit — it fit perfectly.

“How about a shirt?” the tailor asked.

Fred nodded, and the tailor studied him again. “34 sleeve, 16½ neck.”

“Amazing,” Fred said. “Exactly right.”

“Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor replied.

After trying on the perfect shirt, Fred walked around the store feeling better already.
Then the tailor asked, “How about some new underwear?”

“Sure,” Fred said.

The tailor looked him over and said, “Size 36.”

Fred laughed loudly. “Got you there! I’ve worn size 34 since I was eighteen.”

The tailor shook his head and said:

“You can’t wear size 34.

Size 34 would press your testicles right up against the base of your spine… and give you one terrible headache.”

 

​

 

​