A Poem

@BeeHappy said in another thread that she likes poetry.

Possibly, but this one would sound much better if @Fat Controller was reciting it.


Ode to a Fart... ( . By Rabbi Barns.). With apologies to the Bard of Ayrshire

Oh What a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yur belly efter the feastie
just as ye sit doon amang yer kin
there sterts to stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
stert workin like a gentle breeze
but soon the puddin'wi the sauncie face,
will huv ye blawin' all ower the place.

Nae matter whit ye try tae dae
A'bodys gonnae huv tae pay,
even if ye try tae stifle,
it's like a bullet oot a rifle.

Hawd Yur Bum Tight tae the chair,
tae try and stop the leakin air
shift yersel frae cheek tae cheek
Pray the God it doesny Reek.

But Aw Yer Efforts go assunder
oot it comes a clap-o' thunder
Ricochets aroon the room,
Michty Me A Sonic Boom!.

God almighty it fairly reeks
hope a huvnae pooed ma breeks!
Tay the Loo a better scurry
Aw Who Cares, It's No Ma Worry.

A'body roon aboot me chokin,
Wan or Two are nearly Bokin,
I'll feel better for a while,
Cannae help but raise a Smile.

"WIS HIM!" I shout with accusin glower,
Alas To Late, He's Just Keeled Ower!
"YE DIRTY THING!" They shout and stare,
I don't feel welcome any mair.

Where Ere Ye Go Let Yer Wind Gang Free,
Sounds like just the job fur me,
Whit A Fuss At Rabbie's Perty,
Ower the sake O' WAN WEE FERTY!!!!!!!!.

 

Ode to my friend


Its taken my life time,
And I thought I'd never see the day
When I'd finally have a friend
That just wouldn't go away.
You don't know how much it means to me
To know you understand.
To never second guess
That you appreciate me for who I am.
Neither of us are perfect,
But it is you who makes me feel
That tomorrow is a new day,
And I have nothing left to fear.
So please accept this gift of gratitude
Because it is you who has made me see
That I can accomplish anything
As long as you're with me.
- Author Unknown

 

And just in case you think I've gone too serious:-


Banish the use of the four-letter words
Whose meanings are never obscure.
The Angles, the Saxons, those hardy old birds,
Were vulgar, obscene and impure.
But cherish the use of the weaselling phrase
That never quite says what you mean.
You’d better be known for your hypocrite ways
Than as vulgar, impure or obscene.

When Nature is calling, plain speaking is out
When the ladies, God bless ‘em, are milling about.
You may wee-wee, make water, or empty the glass
You can powder your nose, even Johnny can pass.
Shake the dew off the lily, see a man about a dog.
When everyone’s drunk, it’s condensing the fog.
But please to remember if you would know bliss,
That only in Shakespeare do the characters p*ss.