Todays Joke Thread....

Discussion in 'The Muppet Show' started by Banana Man, Dec 4, 2007.

  1. Dorsetmike

    Dorsetmike Gardener

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    I used to be undecided, ................. now I'm not so sure!
     
  2. Gogs

    Gogs Gardener

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    The price of Petrol versus Printer Ink[​IMG]All these examples do NOT imply that petrol is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....

    You will be really shocked by the last one!
    (At least, I was...)[​IMG]Compared with Petrol......


    [​IMG]Think a gallon of petrol is expensive?


    [​IMG]
    This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.[​IMG]Diet Snapple 16 oz £1.29 .. £10.32 per gallon


    [​IMG]Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz £1.19 .£9.52 per gallon



    [​IMG]Ocean Spray 16 oz £1.25 ...... £10.00 per gallon



    [​IMG]Brake Fluid 12 oz £3.15 ...... £33.60 per gallon



    [​IMG]Vick's Nyquil 6 oz E8.35 ... £178.13 per gallon



    [​IMG]Pepto Bismol 4 oz £3.85 . £123.20 per gallon



    [​IMG]Tippex 7 oz £1.39 ....... . £5.42 per gallon
    And this is the REAL KICKER...Evian water 9 oz £1.49..£21.19 per gallon! £21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.) - I REALLYlike that one!




    You don't even want to compare it with perfume or after shave.



    Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?
    So they have you hooked for the ink.
    Someone calculated the cost of the ink at................
    (you won't believe it....but it is true........)
    £5,200 a gal.. (five thousand two hundred pounds)
    So, the next time you're at the pump,be glad your car doesn't run on water, or Tippex, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink![​IMG]Just a little humour to help ease the pain of your next trip to the petrol pump...

    And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person, your exhaust will fall off!!
    Okay, your exhaust won't really fall off... but you might run out of toilet paper



    ALL OF THAT SAID... Fuel of any kind, well... honestly!



     
  3. borrowers

    borrowers Gardener

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    :D:mad:Don't know which one I feel more, Gogs.

    Unbelievable isn't it? Thanks for that.

    cheers
     
  4. spudbristol

    spudbristol Gardener

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    A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'
    The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
    The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'
     
  5. Claire75

    Claire75 Gardener

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    On the theme of Gogs' post - did you know that the price per kg of toothbrushes is more than the price per kg of feraris?
    (that's about the only thing I can remember from the materials course on my engineering degree!)
     
  6. Shobhna

    Shobhna Gardener

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    An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey .

    He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was
    very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
    His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in
    prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his
    predicament:

    Dear Vincent,


    I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be
    able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too
    old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my
    troubles would be over.
    I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in
    the old days.

    Love, Papa


    A few days later he received a letter from his son.


    Dear Pop,
    Don't dig up that garden.
    That's where the bodies are buried.

    Love , Vinnie

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police
    arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
    They apologized to the old man and left.
    Later, That same day the old man received a telegram from
    his son.


    Dear Pop,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
    That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

    Love you, Vinnie

     
  7. borrowers

    borrowers Gardener

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  8. plantlife

    plantlife Gardener

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    Haha, the Vinnie and Pop one was great, more more!
     
  9. intermiplants

    intermiplants Gardener

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    A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

    In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

    ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

    As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''

    ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''

    :thumb:
     
  10. Dorsetmike

    Dorsetmike Gardener

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    I used to be conceited ............ now I'm perfect
     
  11. midnightrose

    midnightrose Gardener

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    Wow, I would have never have thought of that. What about the price per kg of Saffron?!
     
  12. moyra

    moyra A knackered Veteran Gardener

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    Sure printer ink can beat them £ per ml. It's diabolical!
     
  13. shiney

    shiney President, Grumpy Old Men's Club Staff Member

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    Some of us have been talking about getting older and having dementia! :)


    Sometimes it pays to be old...

    No one believes seniors... everyone thinks they are senile.

    An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

    Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

    On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up but, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

    There, Sally counted the money.... fifty-thousand dollars.!!

    Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'

    Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

    The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.

    'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?'
    [FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Sally said, 'No.' Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up [/FONT]in the attic.'

    Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'

    The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning.'

    Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday....'

    The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says... 'We're outta here.'
     
  14. JWK

    JWK Gardener

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    It's old but still funny:

    Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this after hearing that Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.

    George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
    Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
    George: Great. Lay it on me.
    Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
    George: That's what I want to know.
    Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
    George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
    Condi: Yes.
    George: I mean the fellow's name.
    Condi: Hu.
    George: The guy in China.
    Condi: Hu.
    George: The new leader of China.
    Condi: Hu.
    George: The man in China!
    Condi: Hu is leading China.
    George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
    Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
    >George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
    Condi: That's the man's name.
    George: That's whose name?
    Condi: Yes.
    George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
    Condi: That's correct.
    George: Then who is in China?
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: Yassir is in China?
    Condi: No, sir.
    George: Then who is?
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: Yassir?
    Condi: No, sir.
    George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
    Condi: Kofi?
    George: No, thanks.
    Condi: You want Kofi?
    George: No.
    Condi: You don't want Kofi.
    George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
    Condi: Kofi?
    George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
    Condi: And call who?
    George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
    Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
    George: Will you stay out of China?!
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
    Condi: Kofi.
    George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
    (Condi picks up the phone.)
    Condi: Rice, here.
    George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
    Thank You, Mr. President.
     
  15. moyra

    moyra A knackered Veteran Gardener

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    Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
    Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot.
    There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,

    For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
    Where navels were for oranges, and
    Peyton Place was porn.

    We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Pr ince,
    And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.

    We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
    And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me
    , Me.

    Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
    And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

    And only in our wildest dreams did we exp ect to see
    A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me
    , Me.

    We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
    And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.

    Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
    And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.

    We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
    And Oprah couldn't talk, yet, in the Land That Made Me
    , Me.

    We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
    At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

    For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
    And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me
    , Me.

    We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
    And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson, and Zeppelins were not Led.

    And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
    Madonna was a virgin in the Land That Made Me
    , Me.

    We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
    And babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars.

    And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
    And dorms were never coed in the Land That Made Me
    , Me.

    We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
    And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

    And Hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
    And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me
    , Me.

    Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
    And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

    And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
    And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me
    , Me.

    We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
    We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea
    Or prime-time ads for condoms in the Land That Made Me
    , Me.

    There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
    And fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill.

    And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
    And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me
    , Me.


    So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
    And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.

    And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
    Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me
    , Me.
     
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